Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Ok, so I am going to admit, the past week or so, I have been depressed.
and people keep asking me whats wrong, and frankly, I don't know...
I mean, my life isn't that bad, but there are just alot of things starting to get to me
I feel like I don't have any friends anymore, I mean I know alot of great people at work
but.... me and them don't have the things that me and my "friends" had...
I know I was told time and again, that I would lose my "School Friends"
I was told it's part of growing up, but I didn't want to believe it... I mean
with everything we went through, I thought we could make it past high school
but I am starting to learn that I was wrong, I don't talk to any of them anymore
and my new friends... well like I said they are great and all, but...
there is just something missing from them, that my old friends shared
I guess... its that they didn't grow up with me, and don't really know me...
Then there is the fact that I am broke, and I am so sick of being broke
I have been broke the majority of my life, and you would think I would be used to it
but now being out on my own, it hits harder than it did before...
I feel like I can't afford to take care of myself.... I can't seem to make ends meet
and I am getting so sick of work, I am so burnt out. I dread getting up every morning
knowing that I have to go there for 8 hours a day, and so I cut my hours
and that is making my money situation even worse.... and then I come home
which I also dread, cause I know when I get here, I am going to be alone...
and there is not much more that I hate then being alone....
it's getting to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed anymore
I have nothing to live for, and the one person that gives my life a little bit of meaning
lives like 500 miles away, and has no plans of coming back here anytime soon
and then I think of moving down there to be with her, and then that just makes me see
how depressed I really am, cause I have nothing to worry about when it comes to moving
no one will truly miss me, I mean no one sees me now as it is....
which makes me even more depressed... cause I have become invisible in my own life
I don't know... I've dug myself into a pit, that I can't get out of alone...
and there is no one here that can help or seems to want to help me out.
I just feel so lost, and trapped, and there is nothing I can do that makes things better
I guess I am done whining about my life, its not like anyone cares anyways
and if they do, the won't care enough to do anything about it....
they all think I am a lost cause, who knows maybe I am....
shattered`* 6:52 PM
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Who I Am
Name: Chris
Age: 22
Birthday: 4-14-1984
Work Place: Walmart
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Writing is my passion -- get used to it. Even the simplest language is beautiful if phrased correctly. I don't like when people use "their" instead of "there" or "your" instead of "you're". Once in a while, a mistake is okay ... every time you use it is not. I don't like words I can't understand ... especially when they're used in everyday conversation. I think clichés are amusing and though I feel weird using them to justify things, I do anyway. But only sometimes. I could fill a book with my thoughts ... and someday I will. I want to be published, I want to be known. I love the city but will only live in the country I want to be a teacher, yes, and I will be someday, but I want to be a husband, a father, and a friend first. I want to help others ... starting with my family. I want to love others ... starting with myself. I love blankets -- even in the summer. I love fans ... even in the winter. Fresh air and natural light cure just about anything. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a purpose ... that it is up to us to discover that purpose ... and that more often than not, we won't understand ... even if we find an answer. Regardless, I believe that everything works out for the best. Always. I like holding hands. I like going to the beach, I like going on walks ... no matter what time it is. I like looking at the stars and I love hiking. Camping is one of my favorite things to do -- especially in the summer. I love taking pictures; I love laughing, I love being silly, I love when people aren't afraid to be silly sometimes. I love cartoons. I love to swim and play in the water and I love board games. I like hot popcorn and brand new sharpies. I love paper and journals. I'm a huge packrat. Boy Meets World is my favorite show ... I love hot bread and soft serve ice cream. I hate feeling useless. I love staying up late and I love sleeping though I will never sleep enough. Coloring is fun ... drawing is not. I like alcohol ... and cigarettes ... but no other drugs. I like playing video game. I like playing with my website and blog. I love journaling -- no matter how geeky it is. My two favorite animals are cats and penguins. My favorite color is blue. I love reading for hours on end ... especially outside on a sunny day. I love the sun ... though I hate being warm. I'd rather be cold than hot I would rather eat chicken than beef. I don't like pork chops. I love sausage and eggs. I love playing in the rain and sitting outside when it's stormy. I love having friends and I love laughing with my friends I love to sing, even though I'm not very good at it. But if you ask me to sing for you, I probably won't. It has to be spontaneous. Music is important to me and I will not tolerate music that is degrading or crude in any way. Buzzing is my least favorite sound and it can easily drive me insane. If there is a bee in the room, don't expect me to pay attention to anything else. I love snail mail ... I love cards. I love getting mail, but I like sending it even more. Christmas and Halloween are my two favorite holidays. Valentines day is my least favorite I'd rather give you something sentimental than something practical ... but I'm not against practicality. If I'm shopping and something silly catches my eye and makes me think of you, chances are ... you'll be receiving it shortly thereafter. Silly gifts make life enjoyable. :) Inside jokes are amazing ... remember when's are mind blowing. I don't like paying for parking ... and I would rather park farther away if it's free. If something is broken, I'll probably leave it broken until I need it next. My room is usually messy because I usually don't have time to clean it. But eventually I will clean it ... and the next day, it will probably be messy again. I would rather carry out the plans than create the plans. I have strong opinions ... I will share them, but only when I feel so inclined. Generally speaking, I think before I speak -- especially in large groups. But once you get to know me, I am an open book. Don't be put off by my apparent shyness ... because shy is the last thing to describe me accurately. I love my family. I want to spend time more with them. I just started enjoying spending time with them. Family values are becoming very important to me. If anyone talks bad about my family, they'll get an earful. Because though they may annoy me sometimes, I will defend them to the death. Even if they're wrong ... if you badmouth them ... I'll defend them. That is something I can promise. I love best friends and old friends ... and I love when new friends become old friends. I support and appreciate people who can argue their point in an educated manner, who have a logical reason for things -- even if I don't agree. I don't like when people can't support themselves ... I'm trying to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable and I admire people who know how.. I admire integrity and honesty I love when people aren't "too tough" to forgive. I love beginnings, but I know that endings have to come before beginnings can happen. Some of the most beautiful things in my life have ended ... but endings bring about strength and teach lessons In the words of Langston Hughes --"I like to eat, sleep, drink, and be in love. I like to work, read, learn, and understand life.
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