I really don't know why I am putting this on here...
it's something I wrote awhile back...
right after I decided to end this blog...
but I decided to finally put it on here
in hopes that maybe you will stumble across here once moree
and find that I left something for you once again
also, I decided to give you the link to my new blog
you will find it at the end of this letter
Hi Sally,
If you must know,
if you are wondering,
if you are thinking of me...
I am doing fine.
I try not to think of you
because when I do,
I grind my teeth
and force my nails
into my palms
until deep red
marks appear.
But you know,
there are times when
there is no one around me,
no one talking to me on the phone,
no one to go out and do things with,
that is when you come creeping
back into my mind.
And I never know what emotions
you would create in me when you do.
Sometimes, I get angry,
sometimes I smile
and just think about
how I used to drown
in your presance,
and it was like the whole world
dissapeared, and it was just us.
especially those late late nights
when we used to talk about
everything and anything
and I would go to bed smiling
and wake up oh, so happy.
Sometimes, just sometimes,
I let you talk to me, in my mind,
and it is during those times
that I fall asleep without struggle.
Most of the time, I feel sad.
Sad because I thought
that you would be the last,
the one that would last forever.
Other times I feel a mixture
of sadness and anger
because towards the end,
I feel that you completely
shut me out of your life,
and caused me uneccessary pain
when it was you who told me
that you would never ever hurt me
and you would do anything
to keep me happy,
keep me there right beside you,
that it would kill you if you ever lost me.
It didn't happen.
Sometimes, when you come into my head,
I push you right back out.
I don't want to think of you,
think of the promises we made
and how we promised each other "forever".
Do you know, until today,
I don't understand what happened?
All I know is that you just up and left
(I know why that happened, just
not why you decided to stay away.)
Both physically and emotionally.
And I don't want to go over the details
and analyse, why why why.
Because it isn't going to change a thing.
Sometimes I try to hate you.
I think of all that time you
were "busy" or "not there"
You've always flown freely, Sally...
I've always let you... But
when you fly without me, it hurts.
And there is nothing much
anyone can do ther than wait.
And when the waiting gets too long,
there is nothing much
anyone can do other than leave.
I don't know why I'm writing this.
I shouldn't be thinking of you
and how good it used to be.
I shouldn't be going back
into time in my mind
and think of our talks we had,
and the rides we took
and the walks we went on
and those times late at night
when we breathe our souls
into each other and became one
or the brightness of the morning
when I open my eyes to see you,
Sally, lying next to me.
When you were still mine,
you "moved away".
When you were still
supposedly coming back,
you were actually,
never thinking about it.
You were mine but not really.
You promised me,
that your smile will only be
for me, and me alone,
but you were smiling for others.
And you promised
you'd come back,
but I learned that
was not going to happen
And that is when I think of the maybes.
Maybe I shouldn't have surrendered
so completely to you.
Maybe I shouldn't have let you in.
Maybe I shouldn't have allowed myself
to get hurt, yet again,
and maybe I should have listened
to all the fears around me
before I closed my eyes and
jumped off the cliff into your waiting arms.
But then I come back to earth
and I know that I shouldn't think of all this.
The maybes, the whys, the what ifs,
the what could be and how easily it seemed,
for you to find happiness without me.
I shouldn't and I won't.
Because a chapter is a chapter
and you are a chapter in my life.
A beautiful, painful chapter,
tinged with a little bit of sadness
and a lot of happiness and love.
It was destined to be. Just as it is destined
that the chapter has reached its final page
and there is no more pages to turn.
This is the last page. And I am closing the book.
I loved you, Sally. More than you'll ever know.
Love,
Your Jack, no more.
as promised the link to
my new blog