4/4/06 - 7/17/06

The End Of Jack And Sally

2006-07-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

I really don't know why I am putting this on here...
it's something I wrote awhile back...
right after I decided to end this blog...
but I decided to finally put it on here
in hopes that maybe you will stumble across here once moree
and find that I left something for you once again
also, I decided to give you the link to my new blog
you will find it at the end of this letter

Hi Sally,

If you must know,
if you are wondering,
if you are thinking of me...
I am doing fine.
I try not to think of you
because when I do,
I grind my teeth
and force my nails
into my palms
until deep red
marks appear.

But you know,
there are times when
there is no one around me,
no one talking to me on the phone,
no one to go out and do things with,
that is when you come creeping
back into my mind.
And I never know what emotions
you would create in me when you do.
Sometimes, I get angry,
sometimes I smile
and just think about
how I used to drown
in your presance,
and it was like the whole world
dissapeared, and it was just us.
especially those late late nights
when we used to talk about
everything and anything
and I would go to bed smiling
and wake up oh, so happy.
Sometimes, just sometimes,
I let you talk to me, in my mind,
and it is during those times
that I fall asleep without struggle.

Most of the time, I feel sad.
Sad because I thought
that you would be the last,
the one that would last forever.
Other times I feel a mixture
of sadness and anger
because towards the end,
I feel that you completely
shut me out of your life,
and caused me uneccessary pain
when it was you who told me
that you would never ever hurt me
and you would do anything
to keep me happy,
keep me there right beside you,
that it would kill you if you ever lost me.

It didn't happen.

Sometimes, when you come into my head,
I push you right back out.
I don't want to think of you,
think of the promises we made
and how we promised each other "forever".
Do you know, until today,
I don't understand what happened?
All I know is that you just up and left
(I know why that happened, just
not why you decided to stay away.)
Both physically and emotionally.
And I don't want to go over the details
and analyse, why why why.
Because it isn't going to change a thing.

Sometimes I try to hate you.
I think of all that time you
were "busy" or "not there"
You've always flown freely, Sally...
I've always let you... But
when you fly without me, it hurts.
And there is nothing much
anyone can do ther than wait.
And when the waiting gets too long,
there is nothing much
anyone can do other than leave.

I don't know why I'm writing this.
I shouldn't be thinking of you
and how good it used to be.
I shouldn't be going back
into time in my mind
and think of our talks we had,
and the rides we took
and the walks we went on
and those times late at night
when we breathe our souls
into each other and became one
or the brightness of the morning
when I open my eyes to see you,
Sally, lying next to me.

When you were still mine,
you "moved away".
When you were still
supposedly coming back,
you were actually,
never thinking about it.
You were mine but not really.
You promised me,
that your smile will only be
for me, and me alone,
but you were smiling for others.
And you promised
you'd come back,
but I learned that
was not going to happen
And that is when I think of the maybes.
Maybe I shouldn't have surrendered
so completely to you.
Maybe I shouldn't have let you in.
Maybe I shouldn't have allowed myself
to get hurt, yet again,
and maybe I should have listened
to all the fears around me
before I closed my eyes and
jumped off the cliff into your waiting arms.

But then I come back to earth
and I know that I shouldn't think of all this.
The maybes, the whys, the what ifs,
the what could be and how easily it seemed,
for you to find happiness without me.
I shouldn't and I won't.
Because a chapter is a chapter
and you are a chapter in my life.
A beautiful, painful chapter,
tinged with a little bit of sadness
and a lot of happiness and love.
It was destined to be. Just as it is destined
that the chapter has reached its final page
and there is no more pages to turn.
This is the last page. And I am closing the book.

I loved you, Sally. More than you'll ever know.

Love,
Your Jack, no more.

as promised the link to
my new blog

2006-06-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

Everythings Changed...

so i have decided to end this blog due to personal reasons
if you want a link to my new one email me and let me know
I hope you enjoyed reading this, and want to continue reading my blog
but like i said, this is it for this one, I am starting a new chapter in my life
and feel that this blog, will only hinder me moving forward...
Like i said, if you want to continue reading my thoughts
email and I will send you a link... take care

Chris

ccampbell47150@insightbb.com

2006-06-06T23:23:00.000-07:00

Flipping through the diary
that I carry along
Inside are many things
written about you
You hate being left alone,
accustomed to being protected,
you find me only when you're lonely
I look at my feelings
that I've written down
I find myself in a
depressing situation
I waited a long time for you
I cry whenever I think of you
What exactly is happiness?
I Loved you until it hurts
It hurts until I cry
I cry until I'm tired
Every page inside the diary
Writes about your positives
Like I'm addicted to a poison
It repeatedly blinds and poisons me
I Loved until it hurts
It hurts until I cry
I cry until Im tired
My heart clashes with my desires
I tell myself to let go
Close my eyes and
let you walk away
As I burn my diary

So this is how it ends

2006-06-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

SO THIS IS HOW IT ENDS

Dear someone
I'm sorry I signed off on you.... i wanted to say so much, but knew it would get us no where. I felt i would be wasting our time.... so I ran away, which is what I am so good at doing. This will be the last anything from me to you though... I know as well as you that we are over. Just neither of us has said it. I wish you nothing but the best. And I hope you find yourself while you are gone. I'm sorry I won't be here for you when you come back. I just can't wait around... I would never ask you to wait for me... I hope you understand, and I'm sorry if I am being selfish. I changed my SN, so if you want to contact me, you have my email. I don't think talking though through phone, or IM is the best thing right now. Cause I am sure I would say something stupid, that would make you feel bad for doing what you are doing, and I don't want you to feel bad... As I have said so many times in the past, do what makes you happy, and don't worry about anyone else. I am giving up on us though... I don't think things will ever work the way I want them, and you say you want them to work. I'm finding it hard to trust you again, for reason, I'll explain if you want me to, but not on here... I don't know.. like I said, I'm sorry for the way things turned out, and I'm sorry if I had anything to do with it... I hope you find someone who treats you good, and loves your son... the way I did. And again I'm sorry... for me running away... but we both knew that I would if things didn't change soon. I'm not good at long distance friendships (ask Joey), much less a relationship. And again, I wish you the best, and hope you find happiness out there.

Chris

Awake for 20 hours

2006-06-06T02:10:00.000-07:00

So today was an odd day to say the least. Work didn't suck which is odd in itself. After work I went to the drive in with some friends and watched "The Omen" which I must say was a very good movie. I got scared a few times... although I didn't let out a scream like some of my friends did. After the movie, me and some of them went to Jerrys, and ate. All and all I had a great time... something I need to do more often. I tend to sit at home, and waste away my life, when I should be out and enjoying myself like I did tonight, anyways, I guess I am going to head to bed... Oh another thing I heard that Bush is trying to pass into law, something regarding banning homosexual marriages, now I was too tired and groggy to listen to the story. But, for the sake of love, I wish people would just leave them alone. I don't think that anyone should not be allowed to marry, however, I do believe that they need to start having marriage counseling required, and some classes, or something, to save the entire purpose of marriage. There are too many divorces, period. People have lost the sense of having to work through stuff, now I know that there are special circumstances, and that is not what I'm arguing. At all. I think people should be able to get divorces, I just wish they'd make it a little bit more difficult to get married, then, perhaps people would realize they don't want to because it would take a longer amount of time, and actual effort. I mean, the flakey people would get tired of it. Get it? Yeah. Okay. And as far as the whole ban on the homosexual marrige thing, I think there are alot more important things that Bush, and the goverment should be worried about, Like how to get out of Iraq, The Iran nuclear thing, oil, and the list goes on.

Well enough about all that my eyelids feel heavy, my head sways and nods of its own accord. im about to go out like a light (i can actually feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness) but my mind stubbornly lingers, insisting on sorting out all the crap that has accumulated during the days course. my sense of hearing sharpens considerably; i am acutely aware of the sounds around me, especially that of my rude air-conditioner, which emits a grotesquely audible 'tchrrhrhrhhhrrrhhhhh' at regular intervals. like a vcr on auto, the rewind button at the back of my brain is pressed. a mental replay of the days events flashes in my minds eye, like a rushed powerpoint presentation. what i had for breakfast, who pissed me off and why, who i pissed off and why, the screw ups, the highlights, the movie I just saw, the friends I hung out with ... i ve opened a floodgate of raw emotions, and even in my hazy semi-conscious state i inadvertently groan at a particularly embarrassing scene or smile contentedly when i recall some small victory (no matter how inconsequential) I achieved. the reel of my lifefilm peters out. i let out a tiny sigh and snuggle down further into the warmth of my comforter. slowly slowly slowly ... falling asleep has got to be one of the most weirdest, yet oddly pleasurable sensations in the whole world. Yea, I am getting tired... when I just sat and wrote that whole long thing about falling asleep... Well its 5am, and I have been up for about 20 hours or so, I am heading to bed right now, I think i have said that many times alread, but this time I mean it...

Peace I'm Out

Whatever

2006-06-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

So a friend at work told me about this song,
and I was looking for a video of it to put on here,
but couldn't find the real one, but I found this one,
that someone made, and anyways, I think it's to funny.
So please be so kind, and watch it and let me know what you all think...

"This Is My United States Of Whatever"

Missing

2006-05-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

Missing, I believe is an appropriate name
for this blog because it can be read as two ways.

1. The act of missing
2. People you are missing

There are some people in life that you would never like to lose,
but disappear regardless of your feelings. This blog is to them.

It is a fact of life that some people you would rather
never be parted with inevitably leave, not necessarily by death.

THE FORGOTTEN:

Sometimes people that you care about more than anything
simply forget about you, or worse you forget about them.
Only years down the road do you ever realize what they meant to you,
and that you can never have them back. (unless you are lucky)

THE DESEASED

This is probably the most common of the "Missing" categories.
Death is an inevitable part of life, though most people refuse to admit it.
The passing of someone that you truly care about is never easy,
but in some ways is probably the most bearable of the missing cases.
I say this because at least you know that if they were alive
you could be with them, on the otherhand it can be the most painful
if you do not believe that there is life after death because
they cease to be, and will never ever be with you again.

THE TRAVELERS

This, as far as I'm concerned, can be the most painful of disappearances.
The disappearances that don't want to be found, or at least by you anyways.
I say that is the most painful because usually you are to be at fault
that the person no longer wishes to be near you, and you can think
about that as long as you wish and pray that it was different,
or that they will come back. The truth of the matter is,
that doesn't necessarily, and probably in a lot of cases, doesnt happen.

So what choice do we have other than to miss?
In the case of nearly departed we must live on
because nothing we can do can bring them back...
but what about the cases of the forgotten and the travellers?
What would be the appropriate answers?
The thing is as much as we miss people,
it doesn't necessarily mean the person we are missing shares our feelings.
Nowadays feelings never seem to be shared in equal amounts,
someone is always way over, and the other far short.
So how do you know if it is right to make the leap?
Try to reach the missing... and in the case of
the travellers will it bring them more anguish?

In the case of the travellers it is entirely possible
they miss you as much as you miss them
and are afraid to act because they feel dumb
about packing up and leaving without further notice.
But if you are willing to take the risk, do you really miss them?
Because you are acting in order to deminish your own feelings,
but what if you are bringing chaos upon their newly constructed lives?
So is it selfish? Suppose that depends on whether
they miss you in return, but how do you know?
Back to square one again.

The past is the past, but should we try to make
amends with it or accept it as it is? Is it alright
to possibly disrupt the future in order to make
amends with the past? Or perhaps fix the past to create a new future?

The scale is balanced but how does everything weigh in?
And what was everything worth to begin with?

2006-05-28T22:34:00.000-07:00

Missing someone isn't about how long
it has been since you have seen them
or the amount of time since you've talked.
It's about that very moment when
you're doing something and you wish
that they were right there with you.

So I talked to Helen when I got home, and I must say that what she said, shocked me. She is thinking about joining the military. I asked her if she thought it through all the way, and she said yes... and I asked her what about Justice (her son), and she said that her dad would take care of him, and then I told her that I supported her, and if she did join, I would have more respect for her, than I have for anyone else in my life. I totally respect people who go out, and fight for the freedom, that I enjoy so much. If I wasn't such a chicken shit, I would go join also... but I don't like the thought of war, and I don't support the war our contry is in now, but I support her decision to join, and I support everyone who is over there fighting for our freedom. So I guess if she does join, and gets sent out, it will be at least 2 more years before her and I are back together. I am ok with that.... at least right now that's what I'm telling myself... I just hope she dosn't meet someone else, and fall in love while she is gone... and I hope the same thing for myself.

Goodbye My Lover, By James Blunt

2006-05-28T10:29:00.000-07:00

Did I disappoint you
or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty
or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end
before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded
and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine
by eternal right.
Took your soul
out into the night.
It may be over
but it won't stop there,
I am here for you
if you'd only care.
You touched my heart
you touched my soul.
You changed my life
and all my goals.
And love is blind
and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips
and held your head.
Shared your dreams
and shared your bed.
I know you well
I know your smell

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer
but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit -
it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on,
remember me,
Remember us
and all we used to be
I've seen you cry,
I've seen you smile.
I've watched you
sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears
and you know mine.
We've had our doubts
but now we're fine,
And I love you,
I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold
your hand in mine...
...In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear
my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling
at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby,
I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so,
I'm so hollow.

Something I found in an old notebook of mine

2006-05-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

If the emptiness could be washed away
the way the waves clear the shore;
If the sadness could disappear
the way the waters rise up to the sky;
If the pain could be turned into its opposite twin
the way I could turn a coin around;
If the love I feel for you could leave my heart
in the only way my soul departs from my body;
maybe things would not be so difficult for me...

Remotely Retarded

2006-05-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

Whenever I watched my TV, I had to sit close next to it and take up all the radiation it emits in order for me to switch channels when I want to. It’s a handed down TV and its remote was barely working when I got it till it finally died. The back cover of the battery compartment had been broken and the batteries had to be taped to it to keep them from falling off, and for added fun, you have to slap the remote against your palm to get it to work. After a few weeks, the slapping no longer worked and the remote just stopped operating. The former owner of the TV said the remote had been cranky for sometime already so I never bothered with it anymore thinking it had finally given way. I just contented myself with a remoteless TV until recently…. A friend sent me a bunch of rechargeable batteries along with a re-charger (ok, this is not just an abrupt shift of story but this part is important). A few packs of double As (AA) and a set of triple As (AAA). Now, the AAs are for the cd player but the triples, I’d have to find a use for them. So, looking around for anything to stuff with the smaller batteries, I happened to chance upon the old dusty remote and didn’t waste time. Wasn’t sure they would fit but they did. I secured the battery compartment with a piece of cardboard and a rubber band. I clicked and it happened! After almost two years of manually laboring the TV channels, of suffering and utter ignorance, I came to know. There was nothing wrong with the remote it just needed new batteries.

When The Cat is Away, The Mouse Will Play...Not!

2006-05-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

I think my cat has finally caught the mouse that's stealing my crackers. And she made it pay for it. At first I thought Zipper was just playing by herself, hopping about in the living room until I saw this tiny black thing she tossed between her claws. Like a sadistic act of vengeance, she tortured it first. She'd let the poor thing run like it could escape but we all know (and even the mouse itself) that it would never happen; and when it seems like the rat may have gotten away, Zipper hops to intercept it again, BOO! This vicious game lasted about half an hour till the poor mouse was just too weak from the beating. And then she ate it. Ah, the final victory! I felt bad for the vermin but stealing my crackers? That's unforgivable. Now my cat waits beside cabinets, under tables, any possible place a mouse might be hiding and pathways it might possibly run through. My kitty is now a full-pledged feline hunter. She's honed her skills and learned the game of 'Cat and Mouse' and she knows she will always win.

2006-05-27T12:05:00.000-07:00

So there are certain people in my life, who think I should move on... and give up on me and Helen. They think that it would be better for me to start dating other people, and stop waiting for her to come back to me. And ya know, they may be right. Cause then at least I would not be alone. I would have someone to go out and do stuff with. And I agree with them, being lonely sucks, and it sucks that I have no one to go out with... I get it, really I do... but still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with someone who makes you feel shitty, or dosn't honor the person you are is far much worse, then being alone. Helen makes me feel good about myself, and she loves the person that I am, and honors certain beliefs that I have, even though she dosn't have the same beliefs, she is ok with the fact that I do. And I know that one day, her and I will be together again, so why should I start dating other people?

Dedicated To Helen

2006-05-26T09:38:00.000-07:00

"Here By Me"
-3 doors down

I hope you’re doing fine out there without me
‘Cause I’m not doing so good without you
The things I thought you’d never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood

So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
Guess I only see the truth through all this fear,
And living without you…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

I can’t take another day without you
‘Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I’ve been waiting so long, just to hold you
And to be back in your arms where I belong

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
But everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

As the days grow long I see
That time is standing still for me
When you’re not here

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

Last Resort by Papa Roach

2006-05-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

This is my last resort

Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort 
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding?
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide

Chorus:
Cause I'm losin my sight
Losin my mind 
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine 
Losin my sight
Losin my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

I never realized I was spread too thin 
To live was too late, and I was empty within 
Hungry
Feedin off chaos and livin in sin
Downward spiral 
Where do I begin?
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself 
And no love for another 
Searching 
To find a love upon a higher level 
Finding nothing but questions and devils 

Chorus

Nothing's all right 
Nothing is fine 
I'm runnin and I'm cryin 
I'm cryin, I'm cryin, I'm cryin, I'm cryin

I can't go on living this way 

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide

Chorus

Nothing's all right
Nothing is fine
I'm runnin and I'm cryin

I CAN'T GO ON LIVING THIS WAY!!!!

Can't go on living this way
Nothing's all..........RIGHT!

2006-05-24T23:23:00.000-07:00

i hate hate the fact that joey sent me a text message, that got me thinking and then made me sad, and then sent him one back, and said thanks for that, now I'm sad... and then he asked why, and so I emailed him a long email, about why I am sad, and the fact that I don't think I have ever been this depressed before in my life. Being depressed sucks.. its damn irritating and i hate it. And I hate the fact that he sounded concerned, cause i didn't want to talk about it... i hate to say what i really feel and all cause im afraid it will hurt the other party real bad. so i just take it all out on myself...so no one gets hurt but me. But I sent him the email anyways, and I told him not to think it's cause he is not here, I understand why he is not here, and I am ok with it... we both grew up, and he moved away, and got married, and has a kid... and I know why him and I are not as close as we used to be... so I don't want him to think that is the reason I am sad... It's just my lack of friendships, that have any depth to them. I have alot of friends at work, but they don't know the real me... there are only 3 people who come close, and even they don't know everything about me. I don't know... I just hate not having any real friends anymore... My worst fear is being alone, and that is what I am feeling now days.....

2006-05-24T23:20:00.000-07:00

its been a long time
since ive been this down.
or if i've ever been this down.
its times like these i wish
you were here with me.
tears just fall for no reason.
i can hardly open my eyes
cos they hurt too much.
i wish i were dead but
i cant leave you behind.
.....somebody save me.

She is... by "The Fray"

2006-05-24T23:16:00.000-07:00

Do not get me wrong
I cannot wait
for you to come home
For now you're not here
and I'm not there,
it's like we're on our own
To figure it out,
consider how to find
a place to stand
Instead of walking away
and instead of nowhere to land

This is going to break
me clean in two
This is going to bring
me close to you

She is everything I need
that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want
that I never knew I needed
(2x)

It's all up in the air
and we stand still
to see what comes down
I don't know where it is,
I don't know when,
but I want you around
When it falls into place
with you and I,
we go from if to when
Your side and mine
are both behind it's indication

This is going to
bring me clarity
This'll take the
heart right out of me

She is everything I need
that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want
that I never knew I needed
(2x)

This is going to bring
me to my knees
I just want to hold
you close to me

She is everything I need
that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want
that I never knew I needed
(2x)

She is everything I needed
She is everything

To my mystery guests

2006-05-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

Ok now this post is for everyone who comes here, and dosn't say anything. In the past 2 days since i put up my counter, i have had over 175 hits on my blog, and you know how many comments i got, or tags were left... none besides the ones from the anon person mentioned below, and from myself, and from my friend Melissa, whom i know comes here. Now who are you other 170 something people :)? I just would like to know if you like my blog, hate my blog, whatever... just let me know, that my counter is not crazy, and saying people are coming here, when really no one comes. I don't really care if people come here, i don't put stuff on here for anyone really, besides myself, and a few close friends, so they can keep current on the events in my life, but since other people tend to come here, i would like to know who you are, and maybe become friends with you also :), anyways that is my rant for the night, peace I'm out

To the anon jackass

2006-05-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

Ok this post is for one person, and one person only... and since they comment as anon... I don't know who they are, but I am sure they will know who they are when they read this. Helen and I broke up, get over it. It is between me and her... not anyone else. She broke up with me, because she thought it to be best, because right now she is in a postion in life, where she has to take care of her, and her son, and dosn't want me to be dragged through her hell. I know you are going to say, well why dosn't she let you help her?... well I think that is cause she is like me, and dosn't want people to help her, or feel sorry for her. I am the kind of person who trys to work shit out on my own, and not drag other people into it. And she is alot like me in that way. Now with all that said, I am ok with the way things are right now... so if you care about me at all you will be ok with it also. If you can't be ok with it, the least you can do is shut the fuck up about it. I am sick of hearing you say shit about her. We still love each other, and one day we will end up together, and we will get married, and be happy... I know this, and she knows this... and we both know right now is not the time for that to happen. There is a time and place for everything, and when the time comes, and we are in a place in our lives, where we can support each other and catch each other when one falls, then we will be together. And until then we are ok with how things are now.... and again, if you are not, then shut the fuck up... and if you chose not to, and i ever find out who you are, i will never talk to you again, and if you care anything about me, I don't think you want me not to talk to you, or to be on my bad side...

If You're Lucky

2006-05-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

Every once in while, people step up.
They rise above themselves.
Sometimes, they fall short.
Life is funny sometimes;
it can push pretty hard,
but if you look close enough,
you find hope ,
in the words of children,
in the bars of a song,
in the eyes of someone you love...
and if you're lucky,
I mean if you're the luckiest person
on this entire planet,
the person you love,
decides to love you back

the trick is to keep breathing...

2006-05-22T22:45:00.000-07:00

the trick is to keep breathing...

i'm spending more and more time
not writing what comes into my head.
all the weird and the dark
and the crazy madness
that i don't want to share with anyone.
not you and to a certain extent -
not even with myself.
like all the bad dreams you don't want
to believe you had or were ever capable of having.

i'm not crazy. i'm not crazy. i'm not crazy. i'm not.
and i don't have to keep telling myself that right?
is it better when you stop asking
or is it better that you still ask?
is it worse to be worried about these things all the time
than it is to rush through wild thoughts without reflection?

i keep feeling the need to pull back.
to not go as far as i do.
to be critical of the random excentricities of thought.
to remember that normal people,
whoever they are, don't do that.
don't go into the places that scare themselves.
don't dwell there and poke around and look for trouble.

normal people don't feel themselves
pressed against the face of now.
the rush of personal history crushing them
up against the present moment.
the overwhelming force of it
all spreading them impossibly thin.

normal people don't chill at the thought
of opening up like a door and having
something else step through
and out into their lives.
into the space they occupied.
however breifly. however badly.
something clear of purpose and place,
perfect and righteous and free of all
the tethers and chains that hold
me down here in the dark.

something i don't think i will like very much.

i guess normal people don't have to
worry about becoming normal.

this moment between strangers

2006-05-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

somewhere between the
strangers who turn into us,
and the strangers we inevitably become -
are the lives we occupy briefly
and imagine to be the whole of ourselves.

it seems i can no longer find time
to define time... and meaning... and underlying form...
and all those other things that occupied my mind so completely.
is life distracting me from the thoughts
or were the thoughts distracting me from life?
am i better off where i am or where i was?

was i a better stranger once?
will i be a better stranger hence?
am i at least half as far from who i was,
than from who i want to become?
can these things be measured
with any accuracy or meaning?

i know i cannot know for sure -
but it somehow pleases me that
i'm still the kind of person who'll ask
a purely poetic question.
if only to beg poetic answers.

2006-05-22T22:40:00.000-07:00

dear ?????

Stop being as mad at me
as the guilt makes me
imagine you to be.

Every day I think of calling you.
Every day I wonder what our lives
would have been like if things
had gone down differently.

I can't say they would have been better.

And that's the closest thing
to solace I've ever been allowed.

2006-05-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

Love is...

(because someone asked)

...the brief moment between
breathing in and breathing out.

When you've drawn them in
and taken them deep within yourself.
When you're full of them
and you just pause for that one beat.
Totally sustained and happy and fulfilled.

And then you let them go.
They rush out of you and into memory.
And you spend a while releasing them completely.
And sometimes you spend too long.

And then you breathe them in once more.
Or you breathe in someone new.
Or you never breathe again.

2006-05-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

So I have not really wrote anything in here in awhile... so I decided I would make a quick post and update on whats going on in my life. I didn't get the job at Service Net, but I am ok with that, the more I thought about it, the more I think it's for the best. Also I got my acceptance letter for Ivy Tech. So sometime in the near future I have to go take the Compass tast, and then talk to the people in Financial Aid. So that on Aug 21'st I will be starting college. Anyways thats abou tall that has happened since I last wrote in here.

Here is a joke, that I thought was funny

Committee: a group of people
who individually can do nothing
but as a group decide
that nothing can be done.

2006-05-19T07:09:00.000-07:00

So The New Foamy Fan Mail Cartoon Rocks
Everyone Should Check It Out
And If You Don't Know Who Foamy Is
Then You Really Are Missing Out
On Some Funny Stuff
So Go Here And Check It Out
www.Illwillpress.com

2006-05-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

Your 2005 Song Is

Mr. Brightside by The Killers

"It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss"

Let's just say you're happy to be done with 2005!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

2006-05-16T12:59:00.000-07:00

Very Funny, A Men's Room Monologue

2006-05-16T05:51:00.000-07:00

Allow Your Own Inner Light to Guide You.
There comes a time when you must stand alone.
You must feel confident enough
within yourself to follow your own dreams.
You must be willing to make sacrifices.
You must be capable of changing
and rearranging your priorities
so that your final goal can be achieved.
Sometimes, familiarity and comfort
need to be challenged.
There are times when you must take
a few extra chances and create your own realities.
Be strong enough to at least try
to make your life better.
Be confident enough that you won't
settle for a compromise just to get by.
Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself
the opportunities to grow, develop,
and find your true sense of purpose in this life.
Don't stand in someone else's shadow
when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.

2006-05-16T05:50:00.000-07:00

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

You give and take equally in relationships.

You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

2006-05-14T21:53:00.000-07:00

Damn card games

I just realized how cruel of a game Solitaire is.
I mean think of the name. Solitaire.
Meaning Solitairy. Meaning alone.
It's a game you play when you're all by yourself.
It reminds you that you have nothing better to do
than play an interactive card game
then watch the various cards bounce across the screen if you finish.
It reminds me that I don't have anyone to talk to,
nowhere to go, no one to be with, that at that moment,
I'm alone in the world. That's kinda pathetic, isn't it?
Wow, I feel like crap now. Pure, lonely, bored, and utter crap.
Thank you Solitaire, for making my day.

2006-05-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

so what?

2006-05-12T08:19:00.000-07:00

Definition of Maturity

What is maturity?

Statements describing or referring to a mature person:

1. If an individual is going to grow toward
the kind of maturity we are talking about,
he will find it helpful to have secure development,
pre-adult underpinnings - he should not have to deflect
his energies into "refighting" childhood battles or nursing old hurts.
Maturity can only be built on sound foundations.

2. When a person can live with his past
without being bogged down by it,
he remains adaptable,
capable of continued change.

3. Another characteristic of becoming
mature is the development of wisdom.

4. The mature individual can be ribald or genteel,
sweet or acid, jolly or glum. The important point
is that he be alive, with vigorous interests
that make him interesting to be with.
He should have a sense of humor.

5. An important characteristic of the individual
who becomes mature is that he is at home with reality.

6. The mature individual cannot look outer reality
in the face unless he is prepared to look himself
in the face, too. He is at home with himself.

7. It follows that the mature individual has to be able
to love comfortably with his own body, whether it be
strong or weak, handsome or ugly, healthy or failing.

8. If the individual's growth toward maturity is rooted
in the positive emotional bonds of early infancy,
human relationships are going to have a high priority for him.

9. The person equipped with the human sensitivities
that make for maturity will usually have powerful concern
with social problems and ways of alleviating them.

10. For all his social-mindedness, for all his savoring
of human relationships, the maturing individual is not
dependent on always having company.

11. It is apparent that the person who is becoming
mature does not accept values readymade.

12. The mature individual has to learn when
to conform and when not to conform,
when to speak out and when to remain silent.
His values must be so structured and scaled
that he can distinguish between what is
central and inviolable and what is peripheral and expendable -
or at least can be postponed.

13. To live realistically (which by no means forbids
the conscious exploitation and employment of fantasy)
means to live in consciousness of one's own mortality.

14. The mature person knows that he has to go
on choosing alternatives, that each alternative
costs him something, and there are things he will
never be able to do and experience.
He also knows that there are things he will
never be able to do again, that he can never
recapture his youth or relive his first encounters
with certain experiences. He knows that his integrity
is continually threatened by practical demands,
by seductive temptations, by concessions and compromises,
by conflicting values, and can only be preserved
at the cost of some psychic strain.

15. He knows that the only real rewards in life
come with continued growth, and that there is no room
in the one material life he has for major regrets.
This individual who has approached maturity
can know that he has loved, had done his work,
has made his mark on people and, although he wishes
there were more time, that he has made
the most of what there was

In Summary: The adult with a capacity for true maturity
is one who has grown out of childhood experiences
without losing childhood's best traits. He has retained
the basic emotional strengths of infancy,
the stubborn autonomy of "toddlerhood",
the capacity for wonder and pleasure
and playfulness of the preschool years,
the capacity for affiliation and intellectual curiosity
of the school years, and the idealism and passion of adolescence.
He has incorporated these into a new pattern
of simplicity dominated by adult stability,
wisdom, knowledge, sensitivity to other people,
responsibility, strength, and purposefulness.

2006-05-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

When things go wrong,
as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging
seems all up hill,
When the funds are low
and the debts are high,
And you want to smile,
but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing
you down a bit,
Rest, if you must-
-but don't you quit.

Life gets hard with
it's twists and turns,
As everyone of us
sometimes learns,
And many a failure
turns about
When he might have won
had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, though t
he pace seems slow--
You might succeed
with another blow.

Often the goal
is nearer than
it seems to a faint
and faltering man,
Often the struggler
has given up
When he might have
captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late,
when the night slipped down,
How close he was
to the golden crown.

Success is failure
turned inside out--
The silver tint of
the clouds of doubt--
And you never can tell
how close you are,
It may be near
when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight
when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst
that you mustn't quit.

2006-05-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

Ok so I posted alot today, some things that I have written in the past few weeks, and some things from my old blog. I hope you enjoy, and sorry for giving you so much to read all at once

2006-05-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

The Real World for Me

I have lived in entire deceit,
covering the face everyone sees.
I have lied too long and too often
that I can no longer tell
when I speak the truth.
I seem to think I know myself
but really I do not.
I seem to think I know everything
in this life when I am barely sure
of my own face.
I seem to think I have felt
everything in this world
when I am skeptic of my name
and of my friends.
There is only one thing
I could be certain of---
and that is that I have loved.
But what happened to that love,
I am lost. The answers to my questions
I could only leave to God.
This world offers me no assurance,
neither of lasting happiness.
It seems that happiness----
She is so aloof and always want to fly.
Se could never keep her wings rested for a while.
She needs to move from one soul to another.
And she rarely comes back to the same person...especially to me.

I have loved, but all those are just faint memories
I have trouble remembering now.
I try having faith, but even that is weak.
There is no hope for people like me....
I am too difficult to love. I only beg for a miracle.

I do not want to feel this way.
I do not want to be alone forever.
It gnaws my insides and leaves me empty.
I cannot cry anymore, I am all dried up.
No rain could save me and no fire could warm me.

My soul often leaves my body,
in search for another one like it.
And when it returns, I cry for it. ---
He found none like him.

Why cannot I be loved like so many people?
Am I really that hard to love?
Why have You made me this way?
---just to be alone?
Please, I don't want to be alone?
All I ask is to be loved.

2006-05-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

~Trances~

I remember having all the feelings I got,
Happy and sad, they are all I have.
Remember when the world stood beneath our feet?
Showing everyone we are here for our feat.
Remember the words they throw at us?
Or how they're disgusted by what we do?
Yes, those were the good days.
Fighting against an enemy we cannot see.
Crying the tears behind these walls.
I remember them all,
But do you?
I remember you so well,
But do you?
For now, as I look at you,
I just remembered…
You are no longer the person I once knew.

2006-05-11T21:47:00.001-07:00

This might be the only way

i have made fool of myself
longer than i should have.
i have endured all the pain
i should never have.
i have blinded myself
when the truth was
slapping me on and on.
why did i ever refuse
to see the truth?
why did i ever
have to believe in hope?
false hope.
foolish me.
again and again,
i asked God for a sign...
to tell me what to do...
to make me understand...
could i have just
misunderstood the signs?
could i have just ignored them?
foolish me.
and now...
now that i have had enough...

now that i have had enough...
the only way to free myself from you...
is to hate you...
i have to...
even when there
is no reason to...
other than me loving you,
so damn much...
i have to hate you.
and i will.
this time.
for good.

2006-05-11T21:47:00.000-07:00

A Time When...
(Repost)

There comes a time that
when Friendship dies,
it never goes back to life;

There comes a time that
when You turn your back on someone,
there really is no going back;

There comes a time that when
You betray a friend,
you lose that friend forever;

There comes a time that when
You hurt a friend, the scar
is deep enough to
open the wound again;

There comes a time that when
You only think of yourself,
you lose everyone in the process;

There comes a time that when
You choose to take advantage of a friend,
you're throwing away one
of the greatest treasures;

Because sometimes, there comes a time
that when You lose something important,
You lose it FOREVER.

2006-05-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

self-imprisoned

I feel like a prisoner in my own shell.
I try to move away but they keep chasing.
Sometimes, I just want to be left alone.
And sometimes, I just want to be with someone.
Somewhere in the middle---
that's where I am most of the time.
You could say I am lost.
Because right now,
I don't know where to go.
I am on neither side of the coin.
And I simply cannot choose.
---because I don't know where I am happy.

2006-05-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

I'm so sick of life.

I'm so sick of myself.

I'm so sick of all the bullshit I get from worthless people.

I'm so sick of loving and getting hurt.

I'm so sick of hoping but nothing good ever comes.

Sick of all the strength I keep pulling out yet everything goes to waste
the more I fight, the more I lose.

God, what do you want me to do?

When everything I do seems fruitless?

2006-05-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

The Darker Side

Little by little, I fall
into pieces I could not count;
One by one, the memories go
into a far away oblivion.
Voices of you I keep hearing
Feelings of desire that slowly eats me
I need it much I push it away
---that is how love works for me.

2006-05-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

Demons..

There are questions
that still linger..
Questions that I need
to know the answers to
but answers that
I'm afraid to hear..
Answers that can
confirm my fears..

"Are you or are you not???"
(pardon the vagueness...)

what should I do?
Should I learn to live
with these questions unanswered
because it's best to stay that way,
or should I muster up all the courage
I need to confront it head on,
and deal with it no matter
how it's gonna end up?

Thankfully, I have a friend
with whom I can share
these feelings with..
At least my worries
can be less daunting..
Thank you , Angelina..
Thank you for always willing
to lend a helping hand
when I needed one.
You don't know how much
that means to me..
Hopefully, in time,
I'll learn how not to be fickle..
Hopefully, in time,
I'll learn how to let go
of my demons, my fears..

In time..

Someday..

Somehow..

Somewhere...

Hopefully...

As I've told you,
I believe that all things
meant to be will
always find a way..
Only time will tell how
this story will unfold
but till then, I have to live
in what I have now,
the present.. That's all we really
could do right now, isn't it??

And to you, Angelina,
I know you're going through
your own heartaches
right now.. I am here..
I'll be here to listen to
your rants the same way
you do with mine..
We'll be the diary
of each other's lives..
It will just be between
the two of us..
thank you again..

2006-05-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

100 things about me

1. Born in Jeffersonville, Indiana, April 14th 1984.

2. Lived in Sellersburg Indiana until I turned 18

3. Since turning 18, and my parents got divorced I have moved 7 times

4. I’ve been out of this country once, I went to Canada

5. I have a fantasy about living there one day.

6. I learned to drive when I was 17.

7. I passed my drivering test the first time.

8. I can’t blow a bubble with gum, or whistle. There, I’ve told the world.

9. #8 is two of my biggest embarrassments.

10. Sometimes I get my left and right confused.

11. I graduated mid term in h.s. to get an early start in college

12. I loathe the fact of #10. I missed so much during my senior year, and 4 years later I have yet to start college

13. I’ve weighed the same since High School.

14. If I could, I would live on biscuits and gravy.

15. I’m lazy when it comes to exercise.

16. I’m staggeringly uncoordinated. I couldn’t catch a ball if you paid me.

17. I was always the last to be picked for the team.

18. The biggest paradox in my life is that I’m afraid of being alone. So much so that I spend my days at home or at work, and I tend not to let people get close to me cause I am scared they will leve me, and I will be alone.

19. It’s a paradox, because I’m alone anyways, cause I won't let people close to me.

20. I am very unsure of my faith, I don't even know what I believe in anymore.

21. My favorite tv show is boy meets world. So much of it is like my life

22. My favorite movie is Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.

23. My best friend of 10 years moved to Las Vegas 2 years ago which is what started #18.

24. My other best friend, has all but stopped talking to me also, which again has something to do with #18.

25. When I was in primary school, I wanted to be an astronaut, a vet, and a archeologist.

26. When I was 14, I went through a phase of wanting to be a wrestler.

27. Since High school, I have decided I want to be a teacher.

28. I'm hopeing to make #27 come true in the next few years, with any luck I'll be starting college on Aug 21'st this year

29. I started writing poetry when I was 13.

30. I’d like to learn to play Gutair before I die.

31. I've started to read alot here latley, something I hated to do while in school.

32. I've had a low self-esteem every since I can remember.

33. My self-esteem went on a downward spiral because of crummy school grades, some bullies who had nothing better to do than pick on me, and my father who labelled me as a failure.

34. I still resent my father for ignoring me most my life, and not seeming to want anything to do with me

35. I started smoking when I was 21, and people tell me how pointless it was to start then

36. I had my first beer at the age of 15. I remember how I sat in a corner and wondered what all the fuss was about.

37. I've started drinking mixed drinks though and I love them.

38. I fancied myself a goth for years. I wasn’t. I just wore black and scowled a lot.

39. I still wear a lot of black, but I smile more.

40. Me and my fiance got engaged on Oct 31'st 2005.

41. Set our wedding date for Oct 31'st 2006

42. Since then alot has happend and we recently broke up.

43. Helen was my first and only TRUE love.

44. I have a fear of large groups, and people looking at me as a leader.

45. Which brings me to the next paradox: I’m a customer service manager at work.

46. I am an undiagnosed manic depressive, with adhd, and ocd.

47. My ocd isn't the good kind where you clean all the time either.

48. I was starting to get better (with my M.D.) while Helen and I were together.

49. The love she showed me until she moved, was more than enough to start getting over depression

50. As a result of her moving, I'm slipping back into depression at a fast rate

51. I had a near-death experience while swimming in the ocean when I was young.

52. As a result, I panic when I smell salt water.

53. I am trying to find who I am, and everytime I get close, everything changes

54. I have 3 pets (2 cats and a dog).

55. None of them were named by me, all of them were given to me since I moved away from mom.

56. Zipper, one of my cats, is the weirdest cat I have ever seen.

57. Sasha, my dog, and Rusty, my other cat, get along, and it's very weird watching the two play.

58. I hate licking stamps.

59. Actually I hate the post office, and try to avoid going there at all costs.

60. I read eclectically – if someone recommends a book, I read it to understand more about that person.

61. I can’t grasp the fact that I’ll only ever be able to be myself and not other people.

62. If you didn’t understand #61, don’t worry – sometimes I tend to overthink life.

63. Speaking of #60, I am the same way with music.

64. I have a dream of going to space one day.

65. And having a magazine column.

66. And writing a poetry book.

67. I also have a plan to invent something that will make laundry so much easier.(well it's something a friend of mine and me were talking about, his idea so I can't take credit)

68. I will miss said friend if I get my new job in the next few days

69. I worry constantly – about being alone (see #18), about loved ones dying, about whether people like me, about whether I’m on the life-path I’m supposed to be, about whether my house is clean enough, about whether I’m ever going to meet the one for me.

70. I want to be able to do my best at everything. I worry about being a failure (see #33).

71. I am going to put more effort into college than I did in high school (my gpa was 2.5).

72. I find I want to call Joey and tell him every thing that happens in my life cause he used to be there when anything happened and since he moved(see #23), I feel that he should still know.

73. It took 4 years from graduation to apply for college.

74. I hope to get my acceptance letter soon, so I can do the whole financial aid thing and that way I will know for sure I am starting on Aug 21.

75. I can't wait for Helen to get back to this area.

76. I believe that we will get married on Halloween, just maybe not this year.

77. I think it's better that we are waiting though, and taking a break, we both still have alot of growing up to do, and growing in general.

78. I’ve never known such grief as when she moved and never want to again.

79. I hate it when people move away.

80. I plan to make it to las vegas, and virginia sometime this summer

81. But I won’t: I'm poor, and can't afford to do so.

82. I guess I should mention Helen moved to VA.

83. If I could I would buy a plane and go to Las Vegas and VA every week

84. I love to play bingo, and go to Ceasers or any other casino for that matter.

85. My best trait is that I try very hard not to be judgmental. I give everyone, a chance to be friends with me, though I tend not to let them get close to me, and avoid hanging out when ever I can

86. Which has resulted in a whole bunch of what a friend calls “stalkers”. I tend to pick up strays who have nowhere else to go and then get stuck with them, and when I don't hang out with them they get mad at me.

87. I don’t believe there is any right religion…

88. Which has got me into a lot of trouble when I’ve spoken to people who think there way is the only way

89. I don't like organized religion

90. I hate bigotry, which I think is rooted in ignorance.

91. I can’t decide if I am going to quit my currant job, should I be offered this new one

92. The way to my heart is through my mind.

93. My cat is starting to get on my nerves, she keeps wanting to play, and has almost unplugged the computer 3 times now.

94. I am running out of things to say, I am glad I am almost to 100.

95. I’m a careless house-keeper. I care about dust and dirt, not untidy piles of clothes, or mail scattered over the kitchen counter.

96. I’m an introvert – I love being on my own.

97. Which again is a paradox of fearing being alone

98. I hate my hair, cause it is curly and sometimes unmanageable, when it starts to get long

99. But I apparently like it, cause I don't get it cut that often, yet another paradox

100. I found writing this incredibly therapeutic. Thanks for reading

2006-05-11T02:36:00.000-07:00

In My Life

In my life,
gifts have been recieved,
thoughts provoked,
temptations succumb to.

In my life,
love has not been truly defined,
symbols given new meanings,
walls have been broken down.

In my life,
tears have been shed,
pain has been inflicted and accepted,
scornful words placed upon people.

In my life,
I have watched the moon rise,
I have smelled the air in the highest mountains,
I have felt the touch of one's most beloved.

In my life,
through the trials and tribulations,
I have succeeded and become unstoppable.

In my life,
I have realized much,
spoken too little,
missed out on many things.

In my life,
I have found knowledge,
I have found answeres,
I have found who I am inside.

2006-05-11T02:29:00.000-07:00

So I had my interview yesterday... and I think it went well. I should be getting a call tomorrow, and I will know if I got the job or not. I think I am really going to like it. I am scared though to be leaving my other job, the one that I have had for almost 6 years, and I am also scared that I will lose contact with all the great people I've met there. I have alot of people I call my friend at work, but I only see them at work... I guess that would be cause I spend 40 hours a week with them, and the rest of the time we are busy doing things we need to do. Anyways, I talked to Helen yesterday before my interview online, and called her on my way to ask her a question... I am worried about her. So much is going on in her life.... and I just wish I could make it all better. I understand why she broke up with me, I did the same thing a while back, and I wasn't going through half the shit she is. She dosn't deserve what she is going through, she dosn't deserve that kind of pain... I hope things get better for her soon. Anyways, I can't belive I am up at this hour, I guess I need to take a nap before I have to go to work... I need to make the best of these next few days there, they may be my last... that is so sad...... watch me chicken out and not take the job if it is offered to me... but I think I would like it so much.... I don't know what I am going to do... I'll keep you informed :), well I am going to take a nap, take it easy.

2006-05-10T03:42:00.000-07:00

.::.Change is in the air.::.
.:.Single, New Job, College.:.

So alot has happened since I last posted, well besides the survey. I got a call from Sevice Net, which with any luck, I'll be getting an interview soon, and be able to start working there. I really think its time for me to change Jobs, I am so burnt out at walmart, its the same shit just a differant day, the only reason I continue to go besides the need for money, is that I love the people I work with... well most of them anyways. Then Sat morning, I get an email from Helen, and well long story short, we broke up... it came as a shock, but I can't be mad at her, I've done this many times in the past... and she has good reasons. I replied to her email, but never got anything back, and have not talked to her since. As much as I want to wait for her, cause I think she is the one, I don't think I am going to... I mean things between me and her... always get fucked up... and I am losing faith at us ever making it. I guess only time will tell, cause I am a firm believer in "if it's meant to be it will be". I found out, yesterday, that since I am now single there are some people who are interested in me... and one of them in paticular, I am interested in also... so I guess we'll see what happens. I am not going to hold my breath though, I am sure things won't work, they never do... I am getting to the point where I am ok with the fact that I may never truly fall in love, and have the feelings returned, and also have those feelings last. Anyways today, Erica went with me to Ivy Tech State College to put in my application... and if I get accepted.. which I am sure I will, then all I have to do is get financial aid, and/or studant loans, and I will be back in school. Well I guess thats about all that has happened in my life, the past few days, besides Insight being stupid and my internet hasn't been working cause they are doing matinence on it.. but it seems to be ok now. Well anyways, I'll write more later, if I get time... if not, then sometime soon i will post more.

.::UPDATE SINCE POSTED::.
Got another call from service net and my interview it tomorrow

2006-05-09T13:16:00.000-07:00

Work Related Lessons

LESSON 1:

A crow was sitting on a tree,
doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow,
and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you
and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up.

LESSON 2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung
and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight,
there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,
who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there.

LESSON 3:

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, that the bird froze
and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate. Following the sound,
the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The Morals of this story:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

2006-05-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

100 things about ME

100 facts about ME!

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN A RING? no
2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP? 1.5 years on and off
3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED: $100 for my birthday
4. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DROPPED YOUR CELL? at least twice a day..
5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? the end of march
6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON? gambleing, and smoking
7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE? Arbys beef and chedder
8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? eyes, and personality
9. ONE FAVORITE SONG: I miss you by blink 182
10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? Sellersburg
11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTEND(ED)? Silver Creek
12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER? Verizon
13. FAVORITE MALL STORE: Wal*Mart
14. LONGEST JOB HELD: going on 6 years
15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE? yeah
16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE? sometimes
17. LAST WEDDING ATTENDED? Jon's Mom's
18. IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, which friend would you call first: It's a toss up between Joey, and Melissa
19. LAST TIME YOU ATTENDED CHURCH? um... lets see.. along time ago
20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT: McDonalds
21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE HEARD: Friends forever
23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS? Dennys
24. CAN YOU COOK? Does Ramen count ;-D
25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE? 93 Chevy Corsica
26. BEST KISSER? ...
27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Sat. morning
28. MOST DISLIKED FOOD? Rice
29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF: thats a tough one... get back to me on that :)
30. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE RIGHT NOW: kinda sorda maybe
32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB? um... like 14 hours
33. FAVORITE MOVIE? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
34. CAN YOU SING? only when I am alone :)
35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED? Um... the only one i've been to was summer sanatorium, and that was a few years ago
36. LAST KISS? the middle of jan
37. LAST MOVIE RENTED: Waiting
38. THING YOU NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT? cell, wallet, lighter, and cigs
39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT? The Smokey Mountains
40. DO YOU LIKE CHINESE FOOD? i love it :)
41. HOW BIG IS YOUR BED? full
42. IS YOUR ROOM CLEAN? sure :)
44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN? Ellen Degenerese
46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES ON? um wifebeater and shorts
47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT? my cat
48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK? in my case, no
49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE? 3 times
50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST? pancakes
51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE? only if its not hot :)
52. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? scrambled with cheese
53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? I read my horoscope everyday
54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Ray
55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST? My mom
56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED? Helen
57. MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING? McDonalds
59. WHAT ARE YOU HEARING RIGHT NOW? my air conditioner :)
62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL? no
63. DO YOU LIKE TO SWIM? yea
64. FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ICE CREAM? Super man
65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS? no
66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: I love to hike
68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY? nope
69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Fall
70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID? today
71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING? 10am
72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER? snow
73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET? in 2003
75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET? Buckshot
76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED? overrated
77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND: working
79. WHAT IS THE THIRD LETTER OF YOUR NAME? r
80. HOW OLD ARE YOUR PETS? 10 year old dog, 4 year old cat, and a 2 year old cat
81. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BOOKBAG? don't have one right now, but will be getting one soon
82. ARE YOU SICK? nope
83. DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL? no -.- but today I applied at Ivy Tech
84. IS THE BATHROOM OPEN? yes
85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP? i wish
86. WHAT PHRASE DO YOU SAY MOST OFTEN? whatever
87. ARE YOU SMILING? not right now :)
88. DO YOU HAVE HAIR GEL? yep
89. ARE YOU A BLONDE? no
90. DO YOU DREAM IN COLOR? yes
91. DO YOU HAVE A NICE BUTT? not sure ;)
92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?no but i wish i could go back
94. WHAT WILL YOU NAME YOUR CHILDREN? girl:Heaven Lee boy: Joey Lee
95.WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT/TRUNKS? don't got any right now
96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST? it did when I went
97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH? no
98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE? no
99. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? yea, a few times, but only once have I had the feelings returned
100. IF YOU COULD HAVE 1 THING RIGHT NOW, IT WOULD BE? To know that I was going to get accepted to Ivy tech, and to get a call about my possible new job

2006-05-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

Repost

"I'm your friend, not your boyfriend.
I'm the one you run to when
you have problems with your boyfriend.
I'm the one you vent to.
The one you see as a brother.
Your confidant.
The one you hang out with all the time.
The one you think is the coolest guy in the world.
The one who knows exactly what to say to make you smile.
The one who always makes you feel better.
The crazy guy who can be serious when needed to be.
The one who shows you the affection you need when no one else will.
I'm the one you look at everyday,
but never see that I'm what you're looking for.
I'm the one who hurts everyday
just looking at you and knowing
that I'll never be anything more than your friend.
The one who lies awake at night
wishing you were holding me and I was holding you.
The one who will always love you.
The one who is always here for you.
The one who would do anything for you."

"Maybe one day you'll see
what's right in front of your face."

I'm the guy girls are friends with.
The one they talk to when
they have problems with their boyfriends.
The one they look at like a brother.
The one who will always be the friend.

2006-05-07T01:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes,I wish
I could just go to sleep.

I keep meeting the same people
over and over again.
They have different faces,
but they don't fool me.
I wonder what they want.

Yes, it's starting to get to me.

2006-05-05T21:38:00.000-07:00

The past few days
I've really come to appreciate
friends who listen to me,
not just sit there and wait
for their turn to talk.
I never thought it would
really matter that much,
but it does. I have also come
to appreciate friends
who not only listen,
but don't pity me
- at least not to
my face, anyway.

2006-05-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

So I was reading this, and again got depressed, it's called college friends, and even though I have not moved away to go to college, or even started college yet for that matter, it still hit home, I have had a friend that moved to the other side of the country, and this speaks alot of that, but it's on his end not mine, but anyways, I decided to post this on here, its a good read. I'll write more at the bottom. :)

Maybe the time has gone, but the faces I recall. Things in this life change very slowly, if they ever change at all. The scary part being that we've all been hit with change lately, and it doesn't seem to have come slowly at all. Do you remember the day you left home? I'm sure that you do. But I'll bet that what you remember even more clearly were the days in the week before you left. You know, the days that you spent getting addresses, phone numbers, and email addresses and trying to figure out how to say good-bye to everyone that you've loved for as long as you could remember.

Do you remember standing by your best friend's car one night, after midnight, trying to sum up the meaning of a friendship you'd managed to maintain through thick and thin for years? Do you remember how hard that was, to think of how to say good-bye to that one person? It was nearly impossible, wasn't it, to give them that one last hug and turn around and walk inside?

I'll bet the part of what you remember was the night before you left, kissing your girlfriend or boyfriend good-bye one last time. Just knowing that you'd have to turn around and walk back inside was almost motivation enough not to leave. Stepping back to take one last look at that person you love--it's really scary. And you go and you tell yourself that you won't ever find someone new. You won't ever replace your old friends. You'll never fall in love again.

It's really crazy,what kinds of things can happen when you don't mean for them to. You get to a new place full of strangers. You meet people who forget you. You forget people who you meet. But sometimes, you come across some extra ordinarily special people. They have tears to shed, too. They also left people that they love behind. They're still in love with that girl or boy back home where they used to live, and they all want someone to talk to. So you talk. Talk is good. You form bonds you never thought you'd form. You call your old friends and tell them about the new ones. Sometimes, they don't understand. Sometimes, you hurt their feelings. Sometimes everyone is a bit jealous. You miss your girlfriend or boyfriend.

One day you're sitting in the park, thinking about all that stuff you didn't want to leave, and a stranger sits down near you. Sometimes that person stays a stranger. Other times you talk to him or her. Sometimes you experience things you didn't want to ever happen. You become interested in a person that isn't your girlfriend or boyfriend at home. Sometimes college is really complicated.

Sometimes you stay together, other times you break up. Sometimes you think you've done the wrong thing by coming so far away from home. And sometimes when you start thinking like this, it's time to make a change. So when this happens, you sit down and turn on your stereo, and that song "Leaving on a Jet Plane" from the Armageddon soundtrack is on, or The Eagles "Sad Cafe" song, and you wonder if you can still recall all the faces from your past. So, you pick up the phone and you call them all just to say, "Hi, I love you, I'm thinking about you." And then just as an after thought you say, "You know, I'm really learning a lot from college. I wish you would visit all of my friends. They would love you. And you would love them. They're very important to me."

Because, after all this is college. And college is a growing experience. Growing experiences cause change is hard. But whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

So call your parents. Call your siblings. Call your best friend. Or your boyfriend or girlfriend. Or even your ex, if that's how it worked out. Tell them hello. Tell them that you miss and love them. And then, turn off your stereo, walk out of your dorm room. Go to a new friend's room and give them a big hug and say, "Thanks so much for being here. I love you."

You learn a lot when you go to college. You learn that pulling an all-nighter means staying up all night to study for a test you will then sleep through. You learn to appreciate the taste of beer-the cheapest of all alcoholic beverages. You learn that you can roll out of bed 10 minutes before class and go to class looking like shit-and no one will notice or care. You learn you really can do things for yourself without your parents looking over your shoulder--but you also learn you never realized how nice it was to have them there, just in case. More than anything, however, you learn how much your friends really mean to you. College friends come to mean a lot to you, but they can never compare to your friends from home. Your friends from home teach you the meaning of friendship during your college years. Because you are apart from them you tend to express your feelings more --- you learn how much these people truly affect your life.

You've got your best friend who exemplifies friendship-they call at least once a week, sends email every day, and even sends you real mail. You feel like you never left each other...they still know everything about you, and even over the Internet can tell when something is wrong. They teache you that distance doesn't have to change a friendship at all. Then there is your other best friend. The one that rarely calls or writes and they don't do the email thing. At times you think they have forgotten about you...until you hear from them. You hear from them for the first time in almost two months-and nothing has changed. You are still you and they are still them --even though you never talk you are as close as ever, you are still the best of friends. You find yourself expressing to them just how much they mean to you -- because you realize it now more than ever. They teache you that true friends are friends in the soul... separation cant tear them apart.

Then there are those friends that you sort of lost touch with those last few months of high school and during the summer. You were busy, they were busy...but somehow, the magic of email has brought you closer together than you ever were in four years at the same school. You share secrets, heartache, and joy...it's another person who cares about you as long as you will care about them too. Away from all the pettiness of high school, you've finally formed an adult relationship...and you realize just how great a friend this person is suddenly, the people that you thought for sure you would lose touch with in college are the ones you're keepin closest contact with--and you miss them more than you ever thought possible. Sadly enough, there are also the friends that you were closest to in high school who drift too far for you to hold onto. You've both changed and suddenly you don't have much to say to each other. But these people teach you a lesson too, they make you value the others, the ones you have stayed close to, that much more. These distant friends, though you miss them when you rarely think of them, show you who your forever friends really are-and they make you appreciate those forevers much more than before.

College is rough. College severs some bonds and solidifies others...it puts a distance between you and the ones you love. But it teaches you so much. It forces your real friends to come to the front, while the rest take their places in the shadows of your memories. In college you lose some people -- but through real friendship and the strength of the soul (which is where real friends join as one) you keep the ones you will need most in your life.

So there is just one more thing I want to say about this. To someone who was my best friend, all through school, and even for a few years after... then something happened, and now we hardly ever talk... and I just want to say I'm sorry... and what makes me depressed is the fact that I don't want her to "take her place in the shadows of my memories" (quote from above... well sorda). However I guess it's not up to me, I know she has a new friend, who is a better friend than I ever was... and I am happy for her, I know her new friend will be the forever friend I always said I would be. It just still makes me sad, the distance between us, and the lack of communication. But I guess everything happens for the best, I guess one day I will understand how what happend to this friendship was for the best, or maybe I never will.

2006-05-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

No Way Out

(just something I wrote a few days ago)

Could you tell me what I'm doing here?
'Cause I'm feeling kinda useless.
I'm tired of the hypocracy
and all the lame-ass excuses.
I never know what I jump into
'til I'm six feet underground;
Can't you see I'm dying here?
I guess I fell without a sound.

Would you tell me where I'm coming from?
'Cause I'm starting to forget.
Of course, this doesn't save me
From the guilt and the regret.
I've finally started breaking--
I could only bend so far;
Oh, God, could someone tell me
When did life get so damn hard?

Can you tell me where I'm going now?
'Cause I think I've lost my way.
The path was oh-so-clear once,
But it went hazier today.
All these questions have no answers,
They just solidify my doubt;
Always running 'round in circles--
I suspect there's no way out.

2006-05-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

Skies and Waters

"Have you ever flown?"
A bird once asked a fish.

"No." The little fish replied.
"Have you ever touched
the waters and swam?"
The little fish asked afterwards.

"No, I haven't"

The little bird who has
always flown and soared
the skies but whose feathers
never touched the waters;
and the little fish who has
always ventured the waters
but was left only staring
up at the sky were quiet after that.

"Would you like to feel the sea?"
The little fish asked.

"Yes, I'd like to. ---Would you also
like to touch the sky?"
The little bird also offered.

"Yes. Thank you."

So, one day the little bird
took the little fish out
of the water and took
the little fish aflight
up to the sky.
But haven't gotten too far
from the surface, the little fish
started choking. So, the little bird
brought the little fish back to the water.

"I'm sorry", said the little fish.
"It seems I cannot come
with you to the sky and fly."

"Do not worry, I could always
still come here to you."
Responded the little bird.

And one other day,
it was the little bird
whose turn came to see
and feel the waters.
The little fish guided
the little bird down
to the sea but not even
reaching a meter down,
the little bird began
struggling with his wings.
So, the little fish swam fast
to reach the surface with the little bird.

"Forgive me. Seems like I cannot go
with you down there." Said the little bird.

"No need to apologize."

"Seems like you alone
are meant to swim the oceans."
Said the little bird sadly.

"And seems like you alone
are meant to soar through the skies."
Continued the little fish
with just as much sadness
as the little bird.

"I cannot come with you
and swim the seven seas..."

"And I cannot come with you,
either, and see all sorts of skies..."

"But we can still meet here in the middle."
Suggested the little fish.

"Yes, I'd love that too."

The little bird and the little fish,
with two very different worlds
between them, created very uniquely
from the other, have two hearts
beating with the same song.

And so, even when one cannot join
the other in a different place,
they continue to grow and love one another.

One must let the other be where
it should be and there grow in its own beauty.
For only in true love can there
be true and utter freedom.

Love does not promise togetherness
all the time or requited affections...
but in love there is always the promise
of tomorrow that continues on...
One can go on loving another
even without the other's
physical presence or same feelings...

Some may only understand
what this story tells
when that someone has
already felt such love.

2006-05-02T18:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am going to admit, the past week or so, I have been depressed.
and people keep asking me whats wrong, and frankly, I don't know...
I mean, my life isn't that bad, but there are just alot of things starting to get to me
I feel like I don't have any friends anymore, I mean I know alot of great people at work
but.... me and them don't have the things that me and my "friends" had...
I know I was told time and again, that I would lose my "School Friends"
I was told it's part of growing up, but I didn't want to believe it... I mean
with everything we went through, I thought we could make it past high school
but I am starting to learn that I was wrong, I don't talk to any of them anymore
and my new friends... well like I said they are great and all, but...
there is just something missing from them, that my old friends shared
I guess... its that they didn't grow up with me, and don't really know me...
Then there is the fact that I am broke, and I am so sick of being broke
I have been broke the majority of my life, and you would think I would be used to it
but now being out on my own, it hits harder than it did before...
I feel like I can't afford to take care of myself.... I can't seem to make ends meet
and I am getting so sick of work, I am so burnt out. I dread getting up every morning
knowing that I have to go there for 8 hours a day, and so I cut my hours
and that is making my money situation even worse.... and then I come home
which I also dread, cause I know when I get here, I am going to be alone...
and there is not much more that I hate then being alone....
it's getting to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed anymore
I have nothing to live for, and the one person that gives my life a little bit of meaning
lives like 500 miles away, and has no plans of coming back here anytime soon
and then I think of moving down there to be with her, and then that just makes me see
how depressed I really am, cause I have nothing to worry about when it comes to moving
no one will truly miss me, I mean no one sees me now as it is....
which makes me even more depressed... cause I have become invisible in my own life
I don't know... I've dug myself into a pit, that I can't get out of alone...
and there is no one here that can help or seems to want to help me out.
I just feel so lost, and trapped, and there is nothing I can do that makes things better
I guess I am done whining about my life, its not like anyone cares anyways
and if they do, the won't care enough to do anything about it....
they all think I am a lost cause, who knows maybe I am....

2006-04-29T09:54:00.000-07:00

He chose to walk alone
Though others wondered why
Refused to look before him,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

He didn't have companions
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what he felt were
Puppet strings.

He longed to be a bird.
That he might fly away.
He pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

He longed to be a flame,
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.

Some say he wished too hard.
Some say he wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that he was gone.

The trees, they say stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it said
The story played out well.

He spread his arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
He just let go of all he held...

And then he was gone.

2006-04-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

So I just took a test, and I think it did a pretty good job with the results, the test was "what kind of soul are you" and here are my results

Deep down inside, you know you're passionate.

You're excited about life and in touch with yourself and nature. Tell me, do I have this straight?

Virtues: You appreciate humor like none other. Puns might even spark laughter in you (TEHY R FUNNI). You seek adventure and connection with your surroundings. You seek friends who will not only share laughs with you but actually form a deep bond of trust and empathy beneath the surface. You look for adventure and courage in people, and variation is necessary to keep you under control. You see yourself as multi-faceted, so you need people who can see you in your many lights. You're constantly trying to figure yourself out while analyzing the people around you. Silly, silly people.

Aspirations: You can't decide what you want to be yet, but you know you want it to be adventures and interesting, with constant changes. You don't know what love will do for you yet, but it's competing with adventure for a place in your heart. An internal conflict has begun: can you be a successful worker, lover, and parent all at once?

Quirks: Noise of any sort is irritating when you're in the mood. Smacking gum, loud chewing, humming- it's about as pleasing as bodily noises. You dislike emaciated people because of jealousy and just plain disgust. You're a procrastinator but a hard worker, too.

Factors: You need constant attention and support. You're high-maintnence, but a great, reliable friend. Nature needs you and you need nature; it's helped thus far, so keep in touch with the outside world.

Future: Who knows! You absolutely need constant change, so vacationing is surely in the cards. Will you settle down or not? Love will find you eventually, as it does to everyone. Will you choose the sweet home life or the rewarding busy-bee life?

2006-04-29T09:38:00.000-07:00

To Her...

So I was going to do something unusual today,
I was going to sit here, and write you a letter
telling you how much I missed you, and how much I love you
telling you how I wish you could be here with me right now
telling you how I can't wait to be with you again

I was also gonna tell you how disheartened I feel
whenever I open my emails/blogs and I don't see
any messages from you, regardless of the fact that
I know we talk whenever we can, and that I know
that you love me, and miss me also, and don't need
an email, or message on my blog to prove to me that you do

However I suddenly don't feel like doing that anymore
I don't feel like putting my petty issues in this letter
hopeing that you will understand, and somehow
do something to make me feel better, cause I know
that in our currant position, you are unable to do so
not because you don't want to, but because things in our lifes
are making it harder and harder for us to be together

I guess i am just another shallow human being
so shallow that sometimes only my joy and happiness
are my priority, I don't seem to care about the bigger
picture in life, but at least I have come to know
that we don't need to be physically together
to love each other unconditionally, because I know
after we go though all these "tests" together
or as it is now, seperated, I am sure, just as I hope you are
that one day we will be together again, forever, never to part

I have come to the conclusion that life is so fragile.
One puff and we can go out like a light.
Sometimes I wish I was not so shallow.
I wish that I can keep this perspective
in mind all the time, to help me be
a better person, and know that
there is a bigger purpose to living
then just to make money, get drunk,
have fun or fight with everyone else
or to stress myself out over little things.

Unfortunately, I know that maybe later or tomorrow,
the usual fog of denial will come over me
and I will once again lose this perspective
for the reason why we live and love.

Maybe the fog is there so that
it will be easier for me to live without guilt.
So that I will actually make an effort
to make the world a better place,
to spread more love,
to tell you, to make you feel
how much I love you
and appreciate you being in my life.

I forget that we are soulmates.
How we met justifies that.
Our first conversation was
a continuation from a previous,
older one, from another lifetime.
We connected immediately,
without the usual doubt
or usual "practical thought"
holding us back.

It is something that will never,
ever happen again. Not in this lifetime.
And I am grateful enough to know that at least,
I, we, realised that. I am grateful for you.
And how hard you try, how much
you keep trying to make me happy.

I love you and in you I have found a reason to live.

Love,
Chris

2006-04-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

Just a random though

You know how your word processor
doesn't like last names
and tries to tell you they're wrong?
Well, it recognizes "Seinfeld"

2006-04-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

You don't actually have to take the quiz.
Just read the following straight through,
and you'll get the point,
an awesome one, that it is trying to make!

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies.
Awards tarnish.
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?

The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life
are not the ones with the most credentials,
the most money, or the most awards.
They are the ones that care.

2006-04-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

Reminding me of you

so, i've been talking to helen since I got up, and listening to the radio, and its not enough for me to miss her, but they have to play these songs, that make me think of her, and miss her even more. They played 3 in a row, and now i am real sad, cause i miss her so much, but we talked, and now we both know that we were both planning on me moving down there, and that makes me happy. Not sure when I will get to move though, cause i have to save some money, so when i get down there, I'll be able to hold my own, since I'll be moving in with her, and justice, and her dad, and Katie, and i don't want to place an extra burden on them. well anyways, here are the lyrics to the 3 songs that I heard just a few mins ago. I'll try to update more later.

2006-04-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

And the THREE that I heard that made me miss her most...

Artist: Alison Krauss
Song: When you say nothing at all
Album: Live (Alison Krauss & Union Station) (Disk 2)
[" Live (Alison Krauss & Union Station) (Disk 2) " CD]

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking outloud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define
What's being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all...

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all...

[" Feels Like Today " CD]

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

That every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan, that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rollin' home, into my lovers arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

[" All The Way...A Decade Of Song " CD]

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're one

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

There is some love that will not go away

You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

I am awfully needy, aren't I? :)

2006-04-24T20:37:00.000-07:00

I need to stop feeling bad
if I don't measure up
to other peoples' standards.

I need to stop caring
if I look stupid and just do
whatever it is I want to do.

I need to learn to ask
for what I want, because
nobody can read my mind.

I need to stop dwelling on the past.
It's done and over with
and nobody can change it.

I need to start speaking my mind more,
instead of hinting at things and then
being disappointed when people
don't pick up on it.

I need to stop taking
things so seriously.

I need to stop wanting
the things I know I can't have.

I need to change something.
Hair color, blog layout...
something superficial has to change
for me to feel better.

I am awfully needy, aren't I? :)

2006-04-24T01:42:00.000-07:00

We get caught up in life so much.
One minute, we have the world
hanging on our fingertips,
and then the next,
it wraps tightly around us
and pulses through us,
killing us slowly.
We don't stop to think about
our actions until afterwards.
We don't realize that
some of the things we do
could be good for ourselves,
but could ruin others.
Something can start easily,
but ending it is much harder.
How do we forgive and forget
when the problem eats at our insides?
We play on others emotions,
not really caring what happens afterward.
We lie...cheat...steal...
anything to get our way.
Falling under the pressure, we break apart.
We don't know what's synthetic
and what's real anymore.
Losing our way, we turn to other people,
and they only end up pulling us,
tearing us apart. It's almost like
they never loved us, but in reality, they did.
They just hurt us to get what they want.
That's how it works. It travels in a circle.
Everything and everyone is infected
by the never ending circle.
Lost and guilty, we run and run blindly,
only going in circles.
We are supposed to learn
from past mistakes, but
if we don't own up to them,
we'll never get anywhere in life...
stuck in that circle.
There will never be peace for us.
We go to bed lonely,
wake up lonely,
and live our life lonely.
We are never really happy.
We smile and make small talk,
acting as if the world and ourselves
are at peace, but really,
we are facing a battle,
a war, within ourselves.
A never ending battle. Again and again,
we make the same mistakes until finally,
we just give up on ourselves
and let go of our last shred of hope...

"...Lost and broken. Hopeless and lonely.
Smilin' on the outside and hurt beneath my skin.
My eyes are fadin', my soul is bleedin'.
I'll try to make it seem ok, but my faith is wearin' thin..:"

2006-04-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

Everything I Love Is Lost

Last night I watched King Kong, which is a very sad movie.
And it got me thinking once again, and I realized I am just like Kong.
I strive to find the one thing that makes me happy, and when I lose it, I look for it again.
If someone else interferes, I fight for it. I climb the tallest tower just to keep
the things that mean the most to me, only to be shot down by people,
and falling to my death of failure over and over again.
this basically describes my entire life. Eventually, everything I love is lost,
hence the title of this entry. People grow to hate me, old friends never keep in touch,
promises are broken, people die, get sick, get high, get drunk,
all of it is very disappointing, and discouraging.
This feeling is one of those where you just want to throw a stack of papers into the air
and watch them flutter while you say "Fuck it." and run away ...
these are just thoughts running through my head everyday.
I know no one cares to read any of this, about me,
my feelings, my mistakes, my wishes, and that's perfectly fine,
I don't care either. This is me throwing a stack of papers
into the air and watching them flutter around,
a tear runs down my cheek,
"Fuck it all, i'm tired of everything".

On a side note, I have an important decision to make
and I don't know what to do, or who to talk to
I'm sure since it involves me and Helen I should talk to her
but I already know what she is going to say... at least
I think I know, and if she says what I think she'll say
then that is what I want also... but this choice will change
everything.... and i just don't know what to do
I know me and her are meant to be together
then... why am I having so much trouble with this?
I'm sure it is cause I am scared to death of change
and fight to keep things the way they are...
but things have changed already
and this choice is me trying to get back
what we once had... even if it means
giving up everything else

p.s. Helen maybe you know what I am talking about
maybe you don't... think about our last long conversation
and the things we talked about... and if you still don't know
then we'll talk about it soon... but I think you'll be happy
i've been thinking about this alot, but I need your advice
and also need to see where things are going...
and see what is going on... and where our lives our headed
over the next 2-3 years.... and then some :)

2006-04-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

Here is something I read and decided to share it with you all
http://searchwarp.com/swa3678.htm
(love vs infatuation vs lust)

and here is another thing by the same person
http://searchwarp.com/swa51245.htm
(who should be president)

2006-04-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

Eyes Open

When I was a child, adults would always
make me go to bed before I was ready to.
I would lie in the dark, trying to keep my eyes closed.
But they would open back up, almost of their own accord.
It occured to me that 'eyes open' was my natural state.
Is it any wonder I call myself an 'Insomniac'?

The brain is an amazing tool.
It can do dozens of things at once
without the brain's owner being aware of it.
It keeps one alive,
it has invented thousands of devices
to help and heal and hurt,
it can weave great works of art
and literature and music and deceit.
People have been known to heal themselves
through the power of the mind.
Some can remember things photographically,
while others can perform
complex equations in their head,
still others write symphonies
without picking up an instrument.
So why are so many people
so very insistant on being blind?

When I was younger,
I was usually off in my own little world.
I could be at school supposedly paying close attention
to the teacher while in my mind I was battling monsters
or discovering new worlds or meeting strange and wonderous creatures.
I would insert myself into every television show I watched
and book I read, and in every show and book
I was a different character. Someone other than myself,
someone living a life more exciting than my own.

Then I grew up. I looked around me,
at the real world before me. I saw the things
I'd tried to avoid in my idealistic youth.
I started to see the truth behind my make-believe.
I began to understand all the lies
and hypocracy I'd been fed since birth.
I realized how wrong this society is,
the way certain people are treated:
Women, different races,
different sexual preferences, just different.
I was intrigued. How dangerous and wonderous
and scary, this brave new world in which I lived!

People could be much more threatening
than the monsters in my many nightmares.
A monster usually just wants food or territory;
easier to fight than a person wanting
money or drugs or sex or power.
A corrupt politician can't be defeated with a sword,
no matter how sharp. Like the heads of the Hydra,
two more will rise to take his or her place.
The more I learned about government-
-especially in recent years-
-the more I realized the American government
must be changed.

In the face of fear, the majority of Americans
were willing to give up their freedoms-
-those liberties that made this country great-
-for 'protection.' But how do we protect ourselves
from the government? More importantly,
how do we protect ourselves from...ourselves?

The danger is not in bombs or guns
or humans wishing to induce terror.
The real danger is the complacency which
has settled over this society like a suffocating fog.
The true deceit lay in the lies we tell ourselves.
The most powerful weapons the current government wields
are the blindfolds we allow them to tie around our eyes.
So many are so wrapped up in living their lives
that they don't have time to pay attention
to what the government is up to-
-or worse yet, they don't want to see it,
out of fear or apathy. At the end of the day,
they're too tired from working their 9-5
or their double or their whatever
to do something about it

I'm A 90's Kid

2006-04-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

: anybody under the age of 14 should not read this,
and if you should, you should not repost this.

Just because you were born in '92
doesn't mean you're a 90's kid.

It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons.
I am sorry but three conscious years of the nineties just wont cut it.

You're a 90's kid if:

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE!"

You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"

You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.

You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"

You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

you danced to "wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.)

You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.

Captain Planet.

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the red* Ranger were meant to be together.

To the last sentence you said.....hey...Tommy was the green* ranger!!!!

*later to be white

When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being tommy.

You remember when super nintendo's became popular.

You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"

"I've fallen and I can't get up"

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates

Two words... Trapper Keeper.

You ever got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide

You wore socks over leggings scrunched down

"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE
he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show show

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players

You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"

You played and or collected "Pogs"

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere

You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles

NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS WERE THE BEST MYSTERY BOOKS

Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!

All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)

You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out.

You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.

You remember a time before the WB.

You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

You know the Macarena by heart.

"Talk to the hand" ... enough said

You thought Brain woud finally take over the world

You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"

You remember when everyone went slinky crazy.

You remember when razor scooters were cool.

when we were younger:

Before the MySpace frenzy.

Before the Internet & text messaging.

Before Sidekicks & iPods.

Before MIKE JONES

Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX.

Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.

WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE KOOL

When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.

When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.

When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.

Way back.

Tag.

Get Over Here!!!! means something to you.

Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk.

Red Light, Green Light.

Heads Up 7 Up.

Playing Kickball & Dodgeball until your porch light came on.

Hopskotch.

Slip-n-Slides.... now there are just ghetto ones

Tree Houses.

Hula Hoops.

Reading R.L. Stine's Goose Bumps.

HELLO....HOT WHEELS!!!!!

"POWER OF LOVE" BY CELINE DION..ONLY COUPLES COULD SKATE TO THIS.

The annoying Nano Pets & Furbies.

Running through the sprinklers.

That "Little Mermaid"

Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King.

Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.

Getting the privilege to sit in the front seat of the car.

Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It"

CAPRI SUN

Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your TMNT, Power Rangers, Barbie, Fairy Princess comforter.

Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats.

The original Power Rangers

Or what about:

The Secret Life of Alex Mac.

Ren & Stimpy.

Double Dare.

Rocco's Modern Life.

AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.

Wild & Crazy Kids.

Clarissa Explains it All.

CAMP NOWHERE

salute your shorts(CAMP ANAWANA)

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

The original cast members of all that.

Kenan & Kel.

"CITY GUYS"...ROLL W/ THE CITY GUYS

doug.

magic school bus.

Nick Arcade.

flash forward.

pete and pete.

legends of the hidden temple.

hey dude.

dinosaurs.

pinky and the brain.

Sailor Moon.

blossom.

hangin with mr.cooper.

wishbone.

bill-nye the science guy.

MR RODGERS!!!!

Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jenie, The Facts of Life & I Love Lucy.

Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.

or nick jr. with face

gulah gulah island

little bear

under the unbrella tree

PEE-WEE!!!

The Big Comfy Couch

Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.

Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.

Eurika's Castle!!!

Class field trips.

POGS

When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.

When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.

When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday.

When Toys R Us overuled the mall.

Go back to the time when:

Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'.

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!'

'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'.

act like you didn't watch afro-king BOB ROSS paint trees on T.V.

It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.

Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.

When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.

When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.

DID I DO THAAAAAAAAAT???

smud and yak back. skip it and pop it.

pop rocks, and coke would kill you.

zots.

eating the most bubble gum you could possibly fit in your mouth.

having more than one girlfriend/boyfriend.

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear

who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!

Your a 90's kid when you read this and smiled and laughed at least 5 of these.

if you are a 90's kid, repost

ROFLMAO

2006-04-18T16:39:00.000-07:00

So I am reading alot of quotes, which I plan to put some on here or on my web site later, but I came across this one, and I almost died laughing so I had to share it with you all...

I used to like to play with my Ken and Barbie dolls.
Ken was my favorite. Then one Christmas
I got them a camper and all they wanted to do
was hang out in it by themselves. So I wasn't too upset
when they took that wrong turn and went over the cliff.

from the movie-My Girl.

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

2006-04-18T12:02:00.000-07:00

People come into your life
for one of 3 things
A reason, a season,
and some for a lifetime
and some people come
for all three things
I know one that did for certain

We could have been friends for a lifetime,
and it saddens me to know
that we are drifting apart,
more and more each day,
and I am sure, for the rest of this life
I will regret all the things
that caused this fracture in our friendship
and I just want to say...
thanks for the season we shared,
it was by far the best one yet
and thanks for teaching me all you did
about love, life, happiness....
and being true to ones self
You've taught me that love sucks,
that feelings can change, passion will fade,
partners will come and go, but through it all,
one thing remains sacred: friendship
for that you were deffinitaly a reason

So, In short you were there as
a reason for all you taught me
a season for the time we shared
and a lifetime, knowing we could have made it
if things would have been a lil differant

Quote Of The Day

2006-04-16T18:10:00.000-07:00

"I wish my grass was emo,
because then it could cut itself."

Love/Hate Relationship

2006-04-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

5 Things I love about myself

- My taste in music -
my cd collection goes from Punk rock,
to show tunes to country
and everywhere in between (except rap).

- My curiosity, and open mindedness -

- My strength of character. -
I've gone through lots of stuff in my past
that should've just torn me apart,
but here I stand, in more or less one piece
(as whole as I was to begin with, anyway).

- I like that I don't care about the labels
people feel the need to slap on everyone -
goth, punk, emo, whatever...it just doesn't interest me.
Labels are for soup cans as far as I'm concerned.

- I have an incredibly strong stomach. -
I can handle more thrill rides than most people I know.
I love roller coasters, rides that drop you down from heights...
there's pretty much no ride that I won't go on.

5 Thing I hate about myself

- My insecurities.-
Life would be so much better if
I would just learn to loosen up
and stop caring what people think.

- My inability to take accept a compliment graciously.-

- I can't seem to speak without blurring some words together. -
And sometimes I stutter when I'm really flustered.
I hate feeling trapped by speech.

- My laugh. -
I think it's the most annoying sound in the world.

- I hate that people seem to mean
more to me than I mean to them. -

"I'm sorry I can't be perfect"

2006-04-16T17:49:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize. If there is a God, then I think that He is going to have to understand that the way that I turned out is mostly because of his plan. I mean, come on. How fair is it to punish me for the things that I truly believe now because of really screwed up experiences that I had at the hands of Catholic? I get so sick of people who try to tell me that I am going to go to hell because of the music I listen to, the friends I hang out with, the things I do, the things I think, the things I say… the list goes on and on, well the way I see it is, all and all I am a good person, I know I have a lot of flaws, but alas, I am only human, and none of us are perfect, but some people who are ‘Catholics’ seem to think that they are perfect, and can do whatever it is they please so long as they go and ask for forgiveness. Then afterwards, they can go back out in the world and commit the same sins they just asked to be forgiven for, and then all they have to do is go back to the church, and say, “Hey God, I fucked up again, but now that I am admitting it to you, you are going to forgive me, and I will get into heaven, cause you have forgiven my sins, for the 100^th time.” Well I think that is a load of crap… I don’t think you can keep going and doing the same sinful thing and keep being forgiven for that sin, as long as you keep asking, I think you are only allowed to be forgiven once, cause when you are forgiven the first time, God knows that you know that your actions are wrong, and will not allow you to do it again with out facing the consequences. And some Catholics I know commit some pretty major sins, over and over again, and then all they do is say “Oops, I did it again, forgive me Father” I don’t see where I do anything that is a major sin, I worship the God I believe in, weather it is the same God others believe in or not, after all no one on earth knows the true path that God wants us to follow, all you can do is live life the best you can with what you are given, and hope that in the end, God will be the understanding person we are told he is, unless of coarse, you fuck up big time, and then well there is no hope for you. So with all that said the next time that someone comes up to me and tries to 'save' me, when I have done nothing bad, I am going to start quoting verses from the Wiccan Rede. The next time that someone has the audacity to tell me that my political, religious, and general outlook on life is wrong, irresponsible, misled, dangerous, and then has the balls to say that the reason I am 'wrong' is not my fault, but because of something that happened to me YEARS AGO, I am going to sit you down for a blow by blow discussion on exactly what happened to me then, and since, so that you can see that the only reason you are saying that is so that you don't have to take responsibility for the fact that Catholics are the NUMBER ONE REASON for atheism, period. Seriously people. We should be focusing on building bridges, not on finding ways to tear them down. You can think that I'm wrong as much as you want too-- I think you're wrong, too-- and you can pray for me all you want too. I pray for you, too. And for as dangerous or misled you think my opinions are, I promise that I think the same thing about yours. But... chances are that we are both powerful in our own ways. Chances are that we want, generally, the same things. Chances are that we love this world around us, we love the people in our lives, and we want-- with our whole hearts-- to keep them safe. So lets stop bitching about why we are the way we are, and why I'm wrong and why you're right, and why I'm going to Hell and why you're not. And let’s fix what we can, NOW, HERE. I'm tired of having my eye on eternity while today falls around me in shambles.

2006-04-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Helen,
So, tonight I sit here thinking... about alot of things in my life, and the most promanint one is the fact that in the past few weeks, I have made a terrible mistake. I told someone, a few weeks back, that I needed time, and I did.... and now I don't know, I have not talked to them since, and really don't want to talk to them now, because they are not here with me. I know that makes no since at all, I really want to talk to this person, but she is so far away... and I am not good with change, and in the face of change I tend to turn and run away... and that is what I tried to do.... but I realize how stupid that is... if everytime something changes in my life, and I try to make it stay the same, or run from it, I will never get anywhere in life. And I realize this now, and I hope its not to late, but I have a request for this person, please come home... I miss you so much, and I love you more now, than ever... thanks for giving me time, and space, it is what I needed... but now I want the space to end, and I want you to come back home... where you belong, with me.

"I Miss You"

(I miss you, I miss you)
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want Where you can always find me We'll have Halloween on Christmas And in the night we'll wish this never ends We'll wish this never ends

(I miss you, I miss you) (I miss you, I miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)

"it's as plain as anyone can see, we're simply meant to be"

2006-04-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

So today is my birthday. I am 22 years old now.
And God has decided to give me a preasent this year...
I have some mystery illness, my throat is killing me,
it feels like i swallowed razor blades or something,
and my voice is stupid, sometimes I can talk, sometimes I can't
and when I can, I sound horrible... but anyways enough about that
This is the first birthday I have looked forward to that I can remember
only cause after all my friends get off from work, we are going out
we are going to go to the boat, have a couple of drinks
win some money (i hope) and have a good time
well I don't have much else to write about now,
so I'll leave you on this thought...
Birthdays are a good time to buy people stuff :-D
not that I am expecting any of you to do so,
but if you would like to I will give you a hint on what I want :)
CLICK HERE TO SEE WISH LIST

2006-04-13T00:05:00.000-07:00

So I Downloaded Microsoft Front Page Again, And Decided To Make A New Web Site, If You Want You Can Check It Out My New Web Page, Hope All Is Well With Everyone, Take It Easy, I'll Update More Soon I Promise.

2006-04-11T01:48:00.000-07:00

Rant About Tonight

Should you read this, know that I am not mad at you... and this isn't meant to be hurtful, or mean its only my feelings right now, at this moment, and my opinions on some things from tonight.

First and foremost I want to say, that I am not mad at you, upset maybe... but that will pass come morning, but I think right now is a perfect time to get some things out in the open, and be honest with you. Cause, the things I say here are things I think often, but don't want to upset you, well you didn't mind upseting me, so I guess this is fair game.

You say that I don't know what I am talking about when I offer my opinion, well first off let me say, that you asked for it, and I gave it to you, and up to the point where you asked for my opinion I kept my mouth shut. Secondly how the hell are you going to tell someone that there opinion is wrong?

You are always quick to tell me that you are more mature that I am, yea in age maybe you are, but that dosn't make you right. and if you honestly think that, why do you come to me for advice? You make me think that I don't know what I am talking about... I have enough people who make me think that, I don't need you "my friend" to make me think that also. I am not going to say that I am always, or ever for that matter, right I am however going to say that when I tell you what I think, you should respect that just like I respect what you tell me. And with the whole throwing in my face that you are older, and more mature, why the hell do you get mad, when someone says something about your age? And on this subject if you truly are more mature than I am and other people my age, why the hell do you hang out with us?
Maybe you should get some people your own age to hang out with, and if you choose to keep hanging out with us, don't keep telling us that you are more mature just cause you are older
(I believe that maturity does not depend on age but on experiences) and let me tell you just cause you are older, don't think you are more mature than me you have no idea half the shit I have been though. I was forced to grow up and become mature at a very early age, and that is why people twice my age (you for example) come to me for advice, and call me a friend, cause I don't act like a 21 year old but I act like someone who is closer to your age. And I'm sorry that every once in awhile, I act my age, and it seems to piss you off to no end, well I'm sorry, but even though I am more mature than the average 21 yr old, dosn't mean that I am not still 21, and don't have the right to act my age every once in awhile. And also, don't forget that I was forced to grow up many years ahead of my real age, at an early age, and if you know anything about people like that, then you know that at times the child in them comes out, and they just want to have the fun that they missed out on growing up

You tell me I don't know you and the other person Well no fucking shit, I have said that many times but yet you keep asking me for my opinion well see the first thing i talked about, and you'll figure out where this is going

You tell me to think about other people and not just myself.... HELLO News flash, if I was only thinking of myself, I would not have said that all I want is for you to be happy, even if that means sacraficing my happiness does that sound like something someone who only thinks of themselfs would say? I care about you and all my friends more than I care about myself,
I go out of my way to be there for you guys, and do things for you guys, and i never once say anything about it, or tell you that I really have other things I need to be doing cause to me, things i do for you all are 100 times more important than anything else i could be doing, again does this sound like a self centered person? But what does sound like one to me, is someone who wants someone else to tell them things they want to hear. Who says that they don't go backwards in a relationship, well if you love someone, and they think its better to be just friends, you will be there friend, and not expect anything else, but that is only when you love that person more than you love yourself. and only then do you truly love the person. And if you want my honest opinion, right now, you don't love the person more than you love yourself. Cause you can't seem to be ok with just being friends, even though right now that is all the other person wants. but then again maybe i don't know what I am talking about, cause I don't know the other person involved

Then the real kicker of the night, you get mad at me cause I tell you I don't want to make plans
that i am not sure I will be able to keep. Last time I checked my world didn't revolve around you, and I am not obligated to do anything for you, I do what I can do, when I can do it, and if i end up unable to do something don't fucking get pissy with me, think of all the things I do for you, and not the few things I don't. And we both know, that had I made plans with you, and something came up, you would be mad at me for it, so instead of having that happen, I did what you told me in the past to do, and not make plans till I know for sure I am free, and then you get all upset, like I am obligated to do this for you. I am your friend, not your keeper, or taxi, or whatever else you sometimes treat me as. I'm sorry you made some bad mistakes in your past, and now can't drive yourself to places you need to go, but please don't blame me for it, and don't make me feel bad if I can't take you somewhere. cause again I am not your keeper, or taxi, I am only your friend, and I do what I can for you. And that is all you should expect me to do, cause that is all I expect you to do in return.

Now again, I am not mad at you, I am just telling you how you made me feel tonight
and I am just giving you my opinion on some things, and you can take them or leave them
it's up to you. Not once did I tell you that my opinions are right. They are simply my opinions
and “The world is not run by thought, nor by imagination, but by opinion”, your opinions shape your reality and your world, and everyone has differant opinions on everything, and who can say who is right or wrong? To everyone there own opinions are right, or they wouldn't have them. But they are only right to the person who owns them. I'm sorry I won't say things you want to hear, that is not who I am, that is not the kind of friend I am... And I hope that is not the kind of friend you are either. I know what I want to hear, I don't need anyone else to tell it to me for me, what i expect from people, is there opinions, and I respect them, even if I don't like them.

I realize that some of this shows my immaturity that you talked about, but at the same time, some of this shows just how more mature I am. This was not meant to make you mad, just meant to get it off my chest

2006-04-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

It's gonna be one of those days

I started off the morning by popping
dark chocolate-covered espresso beans.
I thought the effect of such condiments
would be mostly psychological, until
I caught myself talking faster than usual --
which is pretty damn fast...

2006-04-07T09:37:00.000-07:00

For Old Times Sake

2006-04-06T23:09:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder if the best times of your life have passed you by?

I had some of the best months in my life in 2003/2004.
At the time, Joey, Crystal and I were living together

We did so much it makes my head spin when I think of it,
We shared so many good memories, and I know
that alot of the time we were living together, we didn't always get along
but looking back, the good times out weigh the bad
and I know that me and Crystal didn't always get along
but I will always think of her as a very good friend
and I am sorry, i wasn't the friend to her I should have been back then
I know one thing.... I would have hated living on the "farm" without them

It is true we wanted to make those months special, and we did…
And then I was forced to leave, and they moved away,
and I returned a few years later. And unsurprisingly,
returning, things have been very different without them.
I miss all the times we shared, or perhaps it is the company.

I can’t deny missing them. I was aware from the the time they moved in,
that I would miss there presence, with their larger than life
personalities and constant presence. We became incredibly close
(even though I didn't realize it at the time)
over the span of those months, and sometimes I wonder if we
will ever get the opportunity to experience that again.

Laughing together and talking late into the night.
Doing things that only friends do. I miss getting up early
and driving to corydon, to take Crystal to school...
(as much as i hated it at the time, but only cause I am not a morning person)
and the car drive back, where me and Joey got to talk.
I miss coming home, and knowing that I had a great friend there.
(And I feel it paved the way for their future marrige,
by them getting to live together, they had a chance
to get to know each other in ways, that they never would have
had they not been able to live together, or lived together with parents)
Even when I wasn't wanted around (cause they wanted "alone time")
and even though that upset me so much, I understand now
and wish I could go back and change things, but I can't

Crystal’s constant lighthearted chatter, and her excitability.
She had a child like innocence about her.
Joey’s random jokes at the most unexpected of times.
He always knew how to chear me up.

We fed off each other’s enthusiasm, each other’s spirit for life.
And even when things got bad, we still managed to make it.
I hope I’m not the only one that feels this way.

Sometimes people come and go from your lives,
and make themselves into such an important,
integral part of your life that once they go
they leave that large, gaping hole that you can’t help noticing.
It is not that I no longer have any fun, it’s just that much more different.

At times I sit and wonder wistfully what they are doing,
and how they are coping leaving behind the life we shared.
(I am sure they are doing just fine, I mean its been a few years
but tonight, I just started thinking about the times we shared")
And sometimes I cannot help but wish they were here with me
so we could just hang out again, and make stupid jokes, or just talk.
And sometimes I just miss the small things like going shopping
at the old walmart together, or watching disney movies
And sometimes I miss them so much I don’t know
what to do with myself, and I wonder if anyone
should have to lose two of their closest friends at the same time.
(though I didn't realize at the time how close we were)

I still have many, many experiences in my life,
as they do theres, and they are a few steps ahead of me
(marrige, and there additon to there family)
and I hope that many of mine will include these two special people.
as they have included me in theres
Here’s to you guys. I miss you.

2006-04-05T21:50:00.000-07:00

What Color Eyes Should You Have? ( With Anime Pictures ^-^ )

Your eye color is dark blue. You rely on your logic solely, and may have more mature interests than many of your friends and family your age. You can sometimes also be interverted and lonely from a lack of understanding with people, and can be rather frustrated with some types of folke. Some may describe you as cold and distant, and you are honest with how you feel about things.
Take this quiz!

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Down On My Head

2006-04-05T16:10:00.000-07:00

I work all night, For one more day
that I can say I'm all alone,
I just need time And I will say
what I believe and I'll come home,
And all I know

I never thought I would wake up in bed
Watching the world coming down on my head
I'd sleep like a dog if you would never had said
This is the world coming down on your head

As life flies by I'm not sure how
I'm gonna do this all again,
So line by line I write this down
and I'm just trying to find the end,
And all I know

I never thought I would wake up in bed
Watching the world coming down on my head
I'd sleep like a dog if you would never had said
This is the world coming down on your head

You gave it to me I remember it read
You got the world coming down on your head
There's nothing to fight for, it's already dead
And this is the world coming down on my head

I never thought I would wake up in bed
Watching the world coming down on my head
I'd sleep like a dog if you would never had said
This is the world coming down on your head

I'm not gonna swallow the lie that I'm fed
Cos I want the world coming down on my head
You're gonna find out you're already dead
And I was the world coming down on your head

It's All Just A Waiting Game

2006-04-05T16:06:00.000-07:00

You and me, A little different
Though we tried to stay the same
It never leaves And when it changes
it is still a waiting game

I wait for a lonely breath
I wait to surface from this death
Wait for the light to come and take away
these images I get In my head

More than ever I need to feel you
More than ever I see the real you

You are me, A worst disaster
would be waking up alone
Now we're free, we're drifting out
Like all the ones we didn't know
I wait for a silent tear
I wait for things to disappear
Wait for the ground to stop moving
underneath my only fear
If I lose you I don't know

More than ever I need to feel you It's all around
More than ever I see the real you And it surrounds

Everything, everything We've had
Out of sight out of mind Given that
What I see when I dream Hurts like hell and back

More than ever I need to feel you It's all around
More than ever I see the real you And it surrounds

It's All Gone Grey

2006-04-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

Grey skies clouding up the things
we used to see with wide eyes
Maybe everything was meant to be this way
Will it ever change
But are we stuck here on our own

It's all gone grey

I found telling you the truth
the hardest thing to get out
I know it wasn't you
that made me feel this way
Will it ever change
Or are we stuck here on our own.

And give it one more try
I don't know if I would stay
I feel so much better now
And baby begging me
Will leave you so empty inside
So you shouldn't even try

I know every last regret
inside of me is my own
The way I hold them close
has made me be this way
I will never change
I know I'm stuck here
on my own, on my own

Given one more try
I don't know if I would stay
I feel so much better now
Where did we go wrong
I know you still hold on to me
But it's time that you let go
I gave you things I had
That I could not get back again
But I'm better off alone

It's all gone grey

2006-04-05T10:43:00.000-07:00

So, Its Almost 2pm, and I am just getting out of bed... I'm sitting here having a smoke. Not much to write about, I have not did much of anything the past couple days, went back to work on Sun after vacation, didn't want to be there, the first part of the day sucked, but it eventually got better, until it started storming, and due to a lack of communication, we thought we had a code black , but come to find out, we didn't... anyways, Monday was a little better, and then I was off yesterday and today. Yesterday, well I didn't sleep at all monday night, went to bed tues morning around 10 or so, got back up at 1, went back to bed around 3, got back up at 6, went back to bed at 8 got back up at 1 this morning was online for awhile, then watched some tv and went back to bed at 6 this morning and now am uo for the day, I think I caught back up on sleep :). I hate it when I don't sleep one night then the next day is shot. Well anyways, My cig is almost gone, I have to go do laundry, I may be back on here later, and if so I'll write more then. Take it easy.

2006-04-04T11:38:00.000-07:00

She is tougher than she looks.
The happy, flirty exterior hides a woman
who has gone through her own personal hell.
Betrayal by friends and having to prove herself.
She and I are knitted together by a matrix
of experiences of life, and everytime I think
that I can no longer learn from her,
I am proven wrong and humbled by my arrogance.

She smiles and my heart melts. Not in a bad way.
I enjoy the intimacy we share,
the intimacy only reflected in our eyes,
reflected through the honesty of our easy conversations,
knowing she will be there when I need her.
She taught me about love. She taught me about letting go.

His gentleness and subtlety remind me of my spiritual paths.
The inner peace that I see within him has become stronger with time,
and our friendship is one of acceptance. As far apart as we are,
each meeting is as if we had never spent time apart,
and the realisation that we are becoming young men.
Emerging from our coccoons, a far cry from the naive boys we were.

I laugh with him. Laugh like I can forget the world,
and his obvious enjoyment fuels my own.
The innocence of friendship and laughter,
and knowing that we will be able to lean on each other
in this rollercoaster of life. Knowing that there will always be
place for me despite the differences between us.

He is the one of the few I can let down all barriers with.
Both fuelled on by each other's company,
be it comfortable silence or the manic laughing fits.
Growing up together, growing apart yet closer at the same time.
Finishing each other's sentences. Late night drives. Crazy ideas. My counterpart and ally.

She will always bring heartbreak to mind, and at the same time,
a friendship forged out of the embers of that mutual resolution.
A strange friendship, a strange bond, knowing I am one of the few
that she has ever dated, a strange comfort with each other
despite the distance that separates us now.

She reminds me of all that is good and sweet in this world.
Her warmth, her love, her capacity to trust.
The type of person that life has a habit out of eating alive.
She makes me want to protect her fragile heart,
to let her live her goodness without becoming
hardened like the rest of the world.

He carries within him such pain,
pain I can never begin to comprehend.
Yet, underneath the tough exterior,
every so often I feel him soften,
and I wish I could help him heal the scars.
With affection there is also pain,
for by opening myself to him,
I share the pain he speaks of.

They become part of me, and I carry part of them with me.
The joys, the sadness, the lessons I have learnt
and the ones they have learnt from me,
each individual and many more touching me in ways
so subtle and uncomprehensible, it will never be known
to what extent I have changed due to the course
of the people I have met.

Some are associated with life's lessons.
Some with the seven deadly sins,
and what I must never succumb to.
Some with matters of the heart,
and the realisation that the intensity
of emotion always grows with time.
Some with hope and pride and aspirations.
Some with the philosopher, the lover, the fighter,
the healer, the innocent, the darkness,
the good, the evil, the fallen, the hopeful
and everything in the world that exists within humanity,
and all I carry within.

And I wouldn't change a single thing.

2006-04-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

The Fluidity of Life

The Internet is finally back on.
Well it has been since fri.....
Funny how one becomes
so dependent on so small a thing.

Life is such that everything is dynamic.
All things fluctuate, and the most,
relationships with the people around you.
As you change, so do they,
and time reveals differences.

Cracks in friendships.
Or the strengthening of bonds.

One of the saddest parts is when
two people just grow apart.
Not due to disagreement or argument
or disillusionment of any sort,
but they simply change.
And for no rhyme or reason,
the glue that once bound them together
no longer holds the same potency.
And despite all efforts by both parties,
there comes a point where they no longer try
and are forced to sit back and admit that
the company is no longer the same that it once was.

Sometimes it is sad to think of past friendships,
those misty watercolour memories softened by time,
of the past smiles and laughter shared,
knowing that things are no longer the same.
Sometimes there’s that little stab of pain,
knowing your place has been replaced
by someone else, and you are no longer
privy to those private smiles and private jokes.

I am reminded of a quote from Schubert, the composer.

“No one feels another's grief,
no one understands another's joy.
People imagine they can reach one another.
In reality they only pass each other by."

Perhaps there is more in those words than I think.
Yet, all those who have passed through my life
have made a difference, no matter how slight,
and it is through those interafctions
that I have become what I have become.
If we have only passed each other by, so be it,
but in the passing, people are changed.

And therein is the beauty of life.

Followed

2006-04-04T10:47:00.000-07:00

Do you think I'm weird?

Other than my usual weirdness
where I think weird things
and point it out in a middle
of a discussion and laugh
like crazy whether you get it or not?

I think I'm going mad.

I'm starting to see things and it is scary.
Sounds so fuckin' lame and I feel like
slappin' myself but yeah. What can you do.
I have always thougth this house was haunted
I see shadows and they move.
And its not just once or twice.
Oh, and yeah, some people probably think
I am making this up but the thing is
it wasn't only this morning.
When I was huddlin' under the blankets
trying to fall asleep, while squeezing my eyes shut
and thinking, "maybe it's the lack of sleep".
It happened a few times these past couple of weeks.
I see some black shadows, moving,
from the corner of my eye, even in bright daylight.

And I know it is not my fucking imagination.
Don't you think someone my age can tell
the difference between reality and imagination?

Curiously, I am always alert when I "see" these things.

I hardly get a good night sleep now,
always jerking awake with my eyes darting wildly about
and my ears straining to listen to god knows what.

I sleep with the lights on now.
With my computer on and music playing.

Honestly, I don't care if I go mental.
Or if something's wrong with my brain
or I am psychologically disturbed.
I'm not afraid of that. But afraid of the supernatural.
Stupid right? A big boy afraid of monsters under the bed.
I'm tired. And I don't care if you believe me.
Right now, everyone can just go to hell.
See ya there. Heh.

2006-04-04T03:05:00.000-07:00

I want an easy answer.
I want to take the back way out.
I want someone to make a decision for me.
I want to have to live with the consequences of that decision.
And if I don't like the outcome,
I want to be able to console myself
with the knowledge that
I did not put myself in that situation -
someone else did.
I want more time.
I don't want to have to make a decision right now.
It's not fair to expect me, at twenty one years old,
to know what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I want to sit down and have some coffee with someone.
I want to have a rational discussion
about how I'm feeling right now.
I don't want someone to offer advice.
I want to talk to someone,
not to come to any conclusions,
not to resolve anything,
but instead to feel a sense of comaraderie.

2006-04-04T02:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is the first post on this blog, that is not from the old blog
I just put some of the newest stuff from my old blog onto this one

2006-04-04T02:42:00.002-07:00

So tonight, I was lying in bed, just thinking about alot of things, and I feel that I may have discovered something terrible about the universe. It is all... random. It is all an accident. Nothing has any reason or rationale behind it... maybe it really is just a lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. That is the only thing I can think of that would justify the awful unfairness of it all. The bull shit behind it. One day I will accidentally fall in love again, and probably have children. What will I tell them about life and death? How can I explain to them that it doesn't make sense, that it can't make sense, that it never will? That I have been exhausted trying to figure it out? How can I make them feel secure and safe in a world where I cannot guarantee anything beyond the past? And when they find out that the world isn't safe, that it isn't secure, that accidents happen and that innocent, beautiful people die every day... will they think I lied to them? Will I have become apart of the injustice?

2006-04-04T02:42:00.001-07:00

Gazing through the window at the world outside
Wondering will mother earth survive
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her sometime

After all there's only just the two of us
And here we are still fighting for our lives
Watching all of history repeat itself Time after time

I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days

I watch the sun go down like everyone of us
I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign
A better place for those Who will come after us ... This time

I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days

Your higher power may be God or
It doesn't really matter much to me
Without each others help there ain't no hope for us
I'm living in a dream of fantasy

If only we could all just find serenity
It would be nice if we could live as one
When will all this anger, hate and bigotry ... Be gone?

I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away
Today I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days
Okay I'm just a dreamer Who's searching for the way
Today I'm just a dreamer Dreaming my life away

2006-04-04T02:42:00.000-07:00

You really make me feel
every damn emotions on extremes.
You confuse me more than anything really.
But still I can't pull myself together
to completely leave you behind.
Even if I turn around, there would still be
that part of me left with you.
And I just can't do anything
to take it back with me.
You make me wish sometimes
that I had never met you.
But I know that I wouldn't be
this happy without you.
You make me regret ever getting
close to you and opening up like a lockless door.
Then, there are those times
that I just can't help telling you things
I am desperate for you to know,
to get to know me better
(and hope that you would like what you see).
You make me smile the sweetest smile.
And you make me shed the most bitter tears.
You make me want you more and more.
Then you make me hate you again and again.
I love you.
I hate you.
I like you.
Go away.
Please come back.
I want to leave you.
Can't we bring back yeaterday?
Stay away.
I miss you.
I hate you.
But most of all,
I LOVE YOU!

"Love is just a word until you find someone to give it definition"

2006-04-04T02:41:00.000-07:00

"Love is just a word until you find someone to give it definition"

How true is it that one would only realize
another person's worth (in my case)
once he or she is gone?

How true is it that love is not just in
the other person's presence
but in his or her absence as well?

Both are true for me.

I don't understand myself
or how exactly I feel for you.

There is no doubt that you are
'very special' for me.
Yes, I am one of the many
few who fell for you.
You're like a sailing boat
on an unpredictable ocean---
always moving in all directions,
sometimes closer to me
and sometimes moving farther away...
just to come back
when I could almost
do it on my own.
Just great.

I miss you when you're not there.
But I know we could never be
what I wish we could be.
And something tells me
that it really isn't time
for 'us' to take such a leap
(if ever that day would ever come).
I am happy to be where we are
right now, just friends.

And just fot the record---You are my first true love.

Because it was with you that I learned
to give and sacrifice without asking anything in return.

Because it was with you that
I learned to love and wait patiently.

Because it was with you that I learned
to appreciate and accept everything
in a person, completely without change, no demands.

Because it was with you that I learned
to understand no matter how
everything and everyone was against you.

Because it was with you that I learned
to be happy with what I have.

Because it was with you that
I learned to be strong and weak.

Because it was with you that
I learned to become MYSELF.

You are my first love, not her.

2006-04-04T02:38:00.000-07:00

From now on...I'm going to be my best.
I'm going to take care of myself.
I'm going to be the person I once was.
The person that was happy in spite
of everything that life throws at him.
The person who loves the people around him.
I'm going to take care of the people I care about.
I'm going to waste no time and love all those I love.
I am not going to take for granted the
little happiness that comes my way.
I am not going to take for granted
the people who love and care for me.
I will treasure every moment with them.
I will help them all the time.
I will protect them always.
I will make them happy.
I know I will be loved.
I will be loved by someone, unconditionally,
in spite and despite of my appearance.
I will change for the best.
And I will love my self, my life,
and everything and everyone part of it.
I will live my life, without hatred,
bitterness, self-doubt and fear.

2006-04-04T02:37:00.000-07:00

What if the one you want, the one thing you need, the one thing you think could save you, is the exact thing that scares you? I feel it. I'm feeling it right now. In the short course of my existence, I have loved only twice. The first time was fortunate enough to have had closure. The second time...is still waiting for it. Still waiting. But I feel it's almost there. I have had very many painful experiences on both of them, although there are those that could not be denied as happiness. And as I stand here, still alone, I am looking for the same thing that had caused me pain. And as I look for it, there is this feeling that is out of place. Fear. Doubt. I fear the same thing I seek for. I doubt that of which is the only thing I should believe in. Love.

Soulmates?

2006-04-04T02:36:00.000-07:00

I had a disturbing thought from a friend today. Two friends of mine just broke up yesterday and one was talking to me about it. When asked how he felt, he said that they still love each other but they just knew they had to break up. Sometimes, I just don't understand that situation but sometimes I think I do. The thing is, he told us that he really feels and believes that he and her are soulmates. I joked around and told him that they would get back together someday, if not now, then surely in the future. He insisted NO. He said that soulmates do not usually end up together in this life but in the life after this. Now, for some reason what he said really got to me.
Do soulmates really not end up together in their lifetime but in their death? I don't understand that part. What's the sense of being soulmates then? Then I asked him how would you know who you're soulmate is. He just said that I would... "the magic", and snapped his finger at the same time. He seemed like he was kidding but he really was very serious. What is that "magic" that you would feel? How would you be so sure that it is "the magic" and not just a transient one that is brought about by our human emotions? Have I met my soulmate? Or am I too wait for that person still? and if so, for how much longer?